Selfish and Jealous

I feel really selfish today. I feel that it's wrong but I am going to write about it anyway because I need to get it off my chest.

So my roommate broke up with her boyfriend 3 days ago. Yeah okay I can see how that would be hard but come on...do you really need to be surrounded by friends 24/7 for 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that it's even my business, but it seems a bit much. I admit I am kind of jealous. I have had lots of shit happen in my life, and I didn't have that kind of support. At one point I was suicidal and I had no friends to speak of. I got through it. Fuck Julia, when my dad DIED, I didn't need to be surrounded be friends constantly. I mean isn't that a bit needy?!?!? Its not like Kevin died. I'd probably have different views on this if you weren't such a BITCH to me. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of it!!!!!!!!!!! I am sick of being told you don't want to talk and then I hear you laughing and talking to your friend in the room next to mine. I say three words and thats too much for you though. I'm so fucking tired of this Julia!!!!!!! I am sick of being treated like shit. You don't treat your friends like this. WTF!!!!!!!! I am sick of sitting in my room alone because you don't want me around, and all the while hearing you having fun with Laura. It hurts, you know. But you probably don't give a fuck. You are so self absorbed.

Why do I hold on?

Why do I hold on?
I feel nothing but hurt
Overcome with anger
Towards what I no longer have

Why do I hold on?
I know you don't care
But you once did

It hurts so much
I want to scream
I want to dig my fingers
Into your flesh
And make you bleed
So you can see
How much it hurts

I want to carve up
My own wrist
So you can see
My pain
But would you care?

Why do I hold on?
Such a meaningless relationship
Doing more harm than good
But do you even see that????

I just want to scream
You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what good would that do?
You don't listen
You don't care

Why do I still hold on?

25 days

Today I had my first counselling appointment in almost 3 months. I saw a new psychologist. A problem I often have with therapists is that I tend to shut down and avoid talking about what I need to discuss. This continues....sometimes for months...and progress it not made. I guess that is my coping mechanism. But it is time to deal with my issues. I was talking to Mercy about this problem and she said I should tell the therapist this right away. So I did, and I'm glad. The therapist is awesome. We are going to develop a relapse prevention program. And then once I feel more secure in my recovery, we will start to deal with my trauma and hurt from my dad's death. And if it is triggering for me, we will step back and slow down. But yes, I know it will be hard. But FUCK it's been 7.5 years. It's about time I deal with this shit. DAD I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!

CRAVINGS....

I am having THE WORST food cravings today. I ate half a box of crackers and I was craving ice cream so bad I ran to McDonalds and got a McFlurry. Yes I know that's an expensive way of doing it but I feel so out of control....if I bought a tub of ice cream I'd probably eat it all today. It's gotten to the point where if I'm craving something, and the store is closed, I will steal it from my roommates. Okay well technically it's not stealing because I will replace it before they notice. But still....that's pretty desperate. The cravings have gotten worse, not better. I am starting to gain a little bit of weight too. UGH.

I am going to my mom's house this evening. Major trigger for me, but its family.....I can't just NOT talk to them. Besides I want to see my sister. I love her tons and haven't seen her in.....2 weeks? Anyways its not like I have to stay there long.

OH and I got 90% on my education essay with totally counterbalances (i think that's the word) my midterm mark which i think was 47%. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 days SI free

Not as bad as expected

So today is the 23rd - a perpetually evil number. A number that is an eternal reminder that my dad is gone. Not only April 23rd, but just the number 23 in general. But today was actually a pretty good day. I had a major breakdown 2 nights ago but Jrecov was awesome and he got me through the night. I just needed to be able to say "I am sad, I am hurting" and have someone say that that's okay for me to feel that way. Because as hard as it is to believe, I often get the response that it's NOT okay for me to feel that way. I also made a new friend named Polly Rose :)

I am happy right now. I just talked to Mercy for hours on end as usual. I am hoping to get to Europe in 2 years. I want to do a semester in France. It would be at a school in either Lille or Avignon. Then after that maybe I will work in Europe or else I will just travel. Anyways I wish I could see Mercy sooner but it doesn't look like that will happen. Lol I'll have to bring lots of chocolate syrup for her. It costs a lot to send but she's worth it :) But it takes sooooo long to get there.

Mercy and I had quite a conversation tonight....about how I feel like I can feel her pain....but she can't. It's rather complicated. I have never had anyone in my life who understands me as well as she does. Well...except for my dad. But that was different.

Anyways today was a pretty good day. The SMA meeting went well. And I talked to Mercy a bunch, which ALWAYS makes me happy. And on top of all of that, my friend actually texted me and asked me to go for coffee sometime this week. Unfortunately though, since we work totally opposite hours, at the same workplace, it's not going to work this week. Next week should be good though :) I don't remember the last time someone actually asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. And she actually sounds like she sincerely WANTS to spend time with me.

I've been sleeping well most nights lately. But I need eat more I think. But I AM eating so thats good right? So I have 22 days SI free today. So I'm pretty happy about that. Oh and I also made a deal last night with Jrecov....a no drinking deal. He has not had a single drink since he stopped using. Alcohol is not his addiction but he knows that if he were to drink now, he'd get addicted. I've been feeling that way too lately. I don't usually drink but in the past couple weeks, I have had a couple random drinks just because I felt like it and wanted....I don't know what I wanted. Okay I admit it...I was hurting and I could not cut. But if I drink for that reason, it will quickly spiral out of control and become a major problem. It's not a problem at this point but I could see it becoming a problem in the future.....So for now, I'm not allowed to drink AT ALL. And then in a month, we will re-evaluate the situation.

Okay it's almost 2 am so I should go to sleep lol

20 days

So I have 20 days SI free. Almost didn't make it through last night but I fell asleep (thank God). Speaking of which, I keep falling asleep in my clothes, with the light on, computer on. Sometimes I'm even eating when I fall asleep. Today I slept through class. Well...this time if wasn't really like that. I woke up, decided to skip class, then went back to sleep. Grrrrrrrrrrr......bad Karin.

But yeah....20 days...that's like 2/3 of milestone.

There are two songs of the day today. The first one is "Bittersweet" by Within Temptation. I heard it for the first time yesterday and I just can't stop listening to it. It's just sooooo beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItJD5FWjr2s
The second song of the day is "Like you" by Evanescence because following the post I just made about my dad, that song describes how I often feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgdbt2WOFIk&feature=PlayList&p=BB504D87C07B4105&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

It's almost the twenty third. The dreaded number 23. Carved into my wrist. I don't know why but I still get so worked up around that day.....or this month it could be from other stresses I have going on as well. Anyways, I'm still so fucking angry about that and I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to write about it.

I only remember seeing you in pain 3 times Dad. The first time was when you went snowboarding and collapsed when you got home. The second time was when you stepped on a bee in my room and it stung your foot. The third time was the last. You complained of neck pain for a whole day before you died. You complained of pain so rarely that when you did admit to being in pain, it was pretty bad. But you were always the tough guy. BUT DAD....that day, if you were in so much pain....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY didn't you do something about it?!?!??!?!?! You KNEW that your family had a history of heart disease....I HATE being angry with you. I just wish I understood. I was not angry with you for the longest time....it's just starting to come out now. I love you....I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! Were you trying to be a hero or what!?!?!?!

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry and tell you I loved you. Will I ever forgive myself? I watched you die. And I was scared so I ran and hid in the basement. I didn't do anything. I thought you'd be alright. I didn't know it was a fucking heart attack. I should have done CPR or SOMETHING!!!!!!! Or called 911.

Mom was just freaking out. I don't know what she did because like I said I ran downstairs. She knew you were in a lot of pain that day too. Why didn't she do something?????

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? I have been asking myself these questions over and over again for years. And yes I am going crazy over it. But I'm just not okay with this. I will never be okay with it. I need you dad. I'm really hurting right now.

My silent scream

I can't take it anymore
I want to grab a knife
Slide it across my wrist
Watch the blood
Cool and comforting
Form a line
Over and over again

Maybe seven times
Maybe eight
Or nine
As many as it takes

I need release
I am screaming inside
Overwhelmed
With sadness
And loneliness
And anger

I need to bleed
I need my drugs
My release
My silent scream

Too much to handle

Am I too much to handle? Because that's the impression I'm getting. I have been spending most of my time in my room alone lately. Why? Because who else do I have to hang out with? I thought being on the realm all the time was making me withdrawn from real life. But maybe I'm BEING pushed away.

This morning I came out of my room and my roommate was sitting at the computer singing along a lil bit with her music. I'd never really heard her sing before. I asked "do you like singing?".....4 words. And she responded "Karin I can't handle this right now." Yeah I've been getting that a lot lately. I come out of my room for the first time in hours and I say a few words and all of a sudden I'm too fucking much to handle. Its my house too you know. I shouldn't feel like I am intruding just by coming out of my room. Am I not worthy enough to talk to people?

The other day, she was in the kitchen with her friend. I said hi and started talking a bit to them. Julia said "Karin we are busy right now"...right once again too busy to talk to me. And then Laura came home and they were all talking and laughing for at least half an hour. Why is it an imposition when I say hi but then when Laura comes in she's welcomed and invited to join?!?!?!?!

Am I really so hard to deal with?!?!?!?! To say I don't feel hurt would be a lie. I get treated this way a lot. People used to call me to see if I wanted to hang out. Not anymore. People used to return my calls...not anymore. My friend Amanda is always on facebook but never talks to me....never responds to my texts or messages.

And yesterday I called my mom at work. Just to say hi. Because she likes that. But she got annoyed and didn't want to talk to me. I guess I bothered her at work. But usually she's cool with that. Even SHE didn't call me back when she got home.

I don't know why but I'm really upset. I feel really hurt. I am just screaming inside. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Trust

You say you are different
And you expect me to believe you
Tell me what you want
But you won't change what I do

Why should I trust you?
Why should I trust anyone?
WHY!!!!!!!!!

I know her tricks
She pretends to care
Then she talks about me
When she thinks I'm not there

You expect me to believe you
Tell me you're not like her
Who are you trying to convince?
Because I sure as hell
Am not believing you

It's nothing you said
That makes me feel this way
But past expereince has taught me
That no good can come from trust
Only pain, loss, anger and agony
You betrayed me with your lies

I don't trust anyone I've had enough pain
Trust is just not my thing


This is another poem written in April 2009.

Crying on the inside

I don’t want to talk to anyone
I am withdrawn
I just want to be alone
But inside I am crying out for help
Screaming out for someone to listen

I am screaming on the inside
Can anyone tell?
You see the scars
But can you see the pain?
When people offer to listen
I don’t know what to say
They say they will lend a caring ear
But do they really want to hear
What I have to say?


This is another one I wrote in April 2009

Daddy's girl

I remember our first run together
I was five years old
You left me in to play
In the sand box
But i followed all the way
And you had no clue
That I was right behind you

I loved our bike rides to the skate park
Where you fell and hurt your arm
I felt like that was my fault

When you went away for work
It felt like you were gone forever
I counted the days until you'd come home
I kept the post cards you sent me
But now you ARE gone forever
I can count the days
But you are never coming home

In your postcards
You always said you loved me
You missed me and were thinking of me
But you were okay
You were going to take me there someday
But life doesn't always work out that way

I remember our bike rides
And I remember how proud you were
When you bought mom's new bike
Which was stolen the next December
You were going to come to bike camp with me
But you didn't make it that long

You missed my first orchestra concert
And my first violin recital
My first triathlon
And my second one
Mom didn't come to either one

You came to cheer my on
At my race in the pouring rain
You drank the coffee
I woke up early to make for you
You even pretended to like it
Even though nobody would
But I was so proud of myself
I was just trying to be nice
And you drank it
Because you loved me

I wasn't the best daughter
I was far from it
Sometimes I was so mean to you
And I made you sad
I'm sorry
And more sorry i can't tell you that

You always made time for me
From the day I was born
You showed me off
Brought me to work with you
And every year you came to my school
To do presentations for my class
Everyone thought you were so cool

You tucked me in every night
You always knew when something wasn't right
If I was struggling
You brought me up
When I was sad
You comforted me
When I cried
You held me tight
And assured me i'd be alright

All too often
I took you for granted
I didn't understand what I had
Until it was too late
And I'd already lost you

In the car
You let me choose the channel
And you put up with my music
You even pretended to like it
Or maybe you really did
I will never know

I think of you all the time
And wonder what it's like up there
I wonder if it's better than here
I just hope you are happy
And I know you want me to be happy
But I wish we could be together
I thought that's how it was supposed to be
That's what you promised me

You missed my grade seven graduation
Weren't there for my grade twelve grad
You won't be when I finish university either
Or to walk me down the aisle
When I get married

Lots of things remind me of you
Thoughts of you fill my mind
Every time I drink a mocha
You showed me how to make them

Every time I see the number twenty three
I think of you
Such a small number
Yet so full of pain
That nobody else would fully understand
Scarred into my flesh
Memories of that day burned into my mind
Keeping me up at night
Eternally reminding me
Of the one day I don't want to remember
I can't block out those thoughts
They haunt me
And scare me
But I can't change the past

Every time I ride my bikeI think of you
That was our thing
And walks on the beach
Bring back so many memories
Of times we spent together
Every time I go skiing alone
I wish you could be there

Many nights I cried alone
Wishing you would come home
I remember when I was at camp
I was five years old
And the kids were so mean
I wanted to come home
I waited by the window
Knowing that if I waited long enough
You would come
But it's not like that now
You are gone forever
So many broken promises
And dreams that will never come true
I don't understand why this happened
Because you had so much life left in you

We were gonna go backpacking together
You promised to take me to Vancouver with you
When I was older
I am older now
But you are not here anymore
There were so many places you wanted to take me
But you never had a chance

You treated everyone with respect
You never picked favorites
That's why everyone loved you
You changed people's lives

The day you died
Every flag went down
At two Universities
You had two funerals
In two cities
It was very hard on me
But it shows how many people
Loved you

I have changed since you left
I have a lot of anger in me
Some would even say rage
But I try to keep it contained
It's just so hard for me to understand
Why this happened

I love you
And you are the one person
Who always made me feel special
You made me feel appreciated
Even when I felt unloved
You encouraged me
Even when I failed
And congratulated me
For my success
You loved me
Even when I had trouble
Loving myself
I struggle with that every day now

Nearly seven years have passed
And I still miss you
Nobody can change that
No one can take your place
Because I will always be a daddy's girl

I've changed a lot since I saw you
Done things that would bring you to tears
You would not be happy
But you'd still love me
Because i'm special to you

Dad I forgot to tell you
That when you left
You took a part of my heart
And I will never get it back

I don't know what its like in Heaven
Some people say we'll meet up there
But to be honest
I have a hard time believing that
The idea that you are gone
And I will never see you again
Is difficult enough for me to face
But the concept of meeting you in Heaven
Is just so hard for me to grasp

I'm sorry dad
It's time for me to move on
I can't dwell on this forever
But in a way we will always be together
I will always be your daughter
You were a big part of my life
I can't deny that
And nobody can make me forget
I'll always be a daddy's girl

LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you would listen
Just for once
I wish I could tell you something
Without getting put down
Without getting yelled
Or criticized
Or told that i'm wasting my life

You wonder why I don't tell you things
But when I try
I only get shot down

Why do you listen to her so intently?
And support her in everything she does?
You speak nothing but good about her
Yet you never talk about me that way

I get really frustrated
I've tried to tell you before
But you don't listen
You never listen
I try to tell you what I'm up to
But do you even care?
Because when I try to tell you
You get so defensive
As soon as I start to talk
You are so convinced
That I'm failing at life

I couldn't stand the fighting anymore
So I moved out
I was so angry all the time
A few doors were broken in rage
I wish you would have just listened

It's been seven years
And you still don't get a fucking hint
Why the hell can't you just pay attention
To what is going on in MY life
I've had enough of your favoritism

I'm trying to remember
If things were like this before
Because from what I recall
You used to care a lot more

All you care about is my grades in school
And no matter how well I do
It's never good enough for you
The only things you want to talk about
Are the things that stress me out
You don't want to hear
About anything that interests me

I'm so fucking sick of this
I'm tired of being put down
Right in front of my face
I'm sick of you being so controlling
I'm sick of being blamed for everything
I'm sick of you being nice to people
And then criticizing them
When they leave the room
I'm sick of you judging my friends
I'm sick of you judging ME
Why can't you just accept me
For who I am!!!!!!
And for who I will become?!!!!

I'm DONE praying things will get better
I'm sick of the way you treat me
It's not my fault
And you need to realise that
I don't know what I have to do
Or what I have to say
To get you to listen to me

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!


I wrote this one in April 2009 as well. One of the more angry ones.

Storm

I used to be scared of storms

The thunder and lightning scared me
I just wanted to hide
But you always came and held me
I cried out when you carried me outside
I didnt understand how watching the storm
Was going to help me be less scared

Time after time
Storm after storm
You carried me outside
To watch the storm

Night after night
You carried me out
To watch the rain
Or the storm
And without fail
I fell asleep in your arms

Over the years
I became less scared
And I grew to like them

Everytime it rained or stormed
I knew where to find you
Out on the front porch
Because I was usually there too

It became our thing
Something we could love
Our fascination
Our bonding time

The smell of rain
So refreshing
And the lightning bolts
A sure wonder of nature
Striking without warning
Followed by the thunder
Shaking the house
Sure to wake
Any small child
From the soundest sleep

I don't understand why
People think storms are bad
Why people think storms are evil
Because I think they are amazing
Beautiful and fascinating
And I look forward to every storm

Every time a storm hits
You know where to find me
I'll be alone
But I'll be watching the rain
Like we used to do

Scars remain

Some scars have faded away
Yet others remain bright as day
Reminding me of the pain
And the trials of my past

The hurt is done
But the scars remain
Reminding me of the obstacles
I've overcome
And of who I have become

Time will heal all pain
But scars will remain


The meaning behind this poem is pretty obvious. Its about the scars from cutting. I could point to one scar on my body and tell you what was bothering me at the time, and what led me to cut myself. This one was also from April 2009.

Broken glass

Broken glass
Shattered into a million pieces
It would take a miracle
To put it back together

Broken mirror
Reflecting who you are
Yet reminding you
Of who you used to be

Broken mirror
Broken reflection
You are broken
On the outside
But that's not who you are
There is so much more

We are the broken
Miracles happen

This is another poem written in April 2009. Just a short one describing how I felt at the time. I feel like that a lot. Some of my inspiration for this poem MAY have come from the song "Breathe no more" by Evanescence. But I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. I love that song.

Who I am

Sometimes I want to get away
Get away from the person who I've become

Some days I wish
I could be someone else

I wish people would accept me
Just for who I am
Instead of trying to change me

Some days I can't stand to look in the mirror
It's what's inside that counts
But that's what I want to change most

I get shot down for being myself
And hated for trying to be someone else
What do you guys want from me?

You more people would like me
If I acted differently
But why can't they just like me
For being who I was meant to be?


This is another poem written in April 2009. Pretty much like the last one.

Somewhere far away

I just want to get out of here
Move somewhere far away
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my past

I can't stand this place any more
I want to start over
I am sick of all the memories
This place brings up

I want to get out
And leave behind
Those who have caused me pain

You say you'd miss me
But why would you?
You don't pay attention to me now
You wouldn't even notice if I was gone

I just want to start again
Where nobody knows me
I want to let go of the past
And never come back

Don't pretend to care
I know you don't
You never did
So you can stop lying now
Stop lying to me
And stop lying to yourself

I can't get you out of my life
It's people like you
I need to get away from
Don't try to follow me
I will just run faster

I want to pack up my stuff and leave
And when I do I won't look back
I will never look back

Don't pretend you miss me
The way you pretended
That you were my friend
I won't miss you
So don't waste your time

I have been stuck
In this city so long
I can't take it anymore
I need to get away
And I'm not looking back


I wrote this poem in April 2009, but I'm just posting it now because I didn't have a blog then. It pretty much describes how I feel almost all the time.

WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Its 2:30 in the morning and I have school in 8 and a half hours yet sleep is so far from my mind right now. Seriously wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupid cravings!!!!!! In the past few hours i've eaten a ridiculous amount of really random food. UGH too much carbs and sugars in too little time. I'm starting to feel a bit sick. But really thats not what I'm craving. I feel like a frickin' vampire sometimes. What is it about blood that is so appealing to me? Just to see it spread in a straight line across my arm is comforting. CONTROL. I feel so fat right now but I haven't gained weight. My roommates think I am crazy, but I honestly feel like I look fatter. I need to go work out but I am worried about how that will turn out. Compulsive Overexercise is like secondary self harm. In this frame of mind, not having SId in 2 weeks, i go overboard with everything else I do. I don't want to get to where I used to be.....exercising til I nearly passed out and could not get up. Everything in moderation.....but why is that not working for me right now. I guess my mind knows I've stopped SI and is overcompensating in another area. Because I know that if I go and work out now, it will be for all the wrong reasons.....

I am really hating my body right now. And I don't get where all of this is coming from. I had a great day. I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling all of this. kay now I'm tired. And its almost 3 am.

The song of the day is "Ugly Side" by Blue October.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjSJ26OGZ30

Awesome day

I had a great day. As usual, the day started with talking to Mercy. I love that girl so much. But I wish she was not so far away. BUT one day I will meet her in real life. Actually I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else in the world. It seems like lately i've been talking to her almost all day every day. I hope she's not getting sick of me. And then after class I went to the counselling office and switched to a new counsellor. I got an appointment booked for next week. I am still waiting to hear back from the recovery groups though. I really need to do this. I need to get more help. Last year I was a stubborn bitch and insisted I could do it all on my own. I made it up to 85 days without SI but have been relapsing since. Just goes to show that I do need help. I can't do it on my own. Mercy has helped me a lot since I joined the realm. And I feel like I can share anything with her and she won't ditch like everyone else has. And I have been attending online SMA meetings 1 - 3 times a week as well as the occasional speaker meeting or womens meeting, or any meeting really lol. I am getting less shy every time. I even found a sponsor today. Her name is Denise (Angie) and I met her on the realm. I am sad though because I was working on something I was gonna send to Mercy but I lost it. But its not like I'm gonna beat myself up over it. I just realised that I've been spending so much time on the computer...on the realm etc that I've been isolating myself even more from the "real world." Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

Overall the day was pretty good. I am so thankful for having people like Mercy and now Denise (Angie) in my life. Oh and there are so many more.....Hope, Dan, JRecov, Bob, Ross.

15 days SI free....still. For crying out loud, is it normal to count this like 20 times a day?!?!?!?! I mean I know I havent relapsed today so I know it hasn't changed. But it's like this compulsion of having to count it over and over again lol. I dunno I'm wierd like that I guess.

My first entry

This is my first entry in my blog. My first entry in ANY blog EVER. I'm trying to figure this thing out. I was pretty hesitant on starting this, but Mercy has one and its pretty cool. I thought I'd give it a try. I don't want the whole world to see this though. Just a few selected people. And you guys can comment if you want. I see that Mercy is my first follower. Which is pretty sweet.

I don't really know what to say. The next post will be more interesting. I promise.