Just a post

I'm sorry Kayleigh I broke my promise of writing every week.

I stopped my adhd meds almost 2 weeks ago now, and it's going great. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. Denise - I know I should see my doctor, but I don't want to. This is my choice. I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to see a doctor, I don't want to talk about it.

My eating, on the other hand, is...well...not right. I'm eating more than usual. I get extremely strong cravings for sweets like chocolate and candy. Which is normal for me. I eat it, but then feel really guilty about it. But instead of starving myself, I keep eating it. It tortures me. I am torturing myself. But if I don't eat, that's torturing myself too. I need some self control. But not too much. Ugh. Does this even make sense? Frick. Yes, I've gained some weight. I hate it hate it hate it. Only a few pounds but it makes a difference. I frickin look like about 2-3 months pregnant. But its the last week of classes. I have a couple big papers due in the next week. I don't have a whole lot of time to work out. But in a week, I have to work it off. I can't let myself gain anymore weight. I have eaten so much chocolate this past couple days that its gross. Frick! It is ridiculous and not healthy.

I'm also been having obsessions with my scars. I stare at them multiple times a day, I admire them. Man, I'm fucked up. I LIKE my scars, I don't want to get rid of them. But it's more than that. I'm OBSESSED with my scars.

Ok...thats enough for today.....

CRAVINGS....

I am having THE WORST food cravings today. I ate half a box of crackers and I was craving ice cream so bad I ran to McDonalds and got a McFlurry. Yes I know that's an expensive way of doing it but I feel so out of control....if I bought a tub of ice cream I'd probably eat it all today. It's gotten to the point where if I'm craving something, and the store is closed, I will steal it from my roommates. Okay well technically it's not stealing because I will replace it before they notice. But still....that's pretty desperate. The cravings have gotten worse, not better. I am starting to gain a little bit of weight too. UGH.

I am going to my mom's house this evening. Major trigger for me, but its family.....I can't just NOT talk to them. Besides I want to see my sister. I love her tons and haven't seen her in.....2 weeks? Anyways its not like I have to stay there long.

OH and I got 90% on my education essay with totally counterbalances (i think that's the word) my midterm mark which i think was 47%. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 days SI free