Thoughts

Okay so I haven't written here in far too long. My mind is just so full right now. It's like if I have one more thought, my head will explode. So this blog post is not gonna make sense but I'm just going to write every thought I have as it comes through my mind. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this.

I really just want to cuddle with someone right now. I need to be held. I just want to hold on to Jay, or Mercy, or Joann....and just be held and not let go for a long time.

Why hasn't she talked to me in so long? I mean, I get that she's busy but couldn't she maybe call me back once in awhile or answer my calls or something?

I can't believe it came to this point. I hate you and hope you burn in hell. You can stop faking. Stop pretending you care what I'm doing with my life. Because you are a bitch. Why am I having such a problem being a bitch back to you? I have no reason to be nice to you. YOU are the reason I quit my job...the reason I lost the chance at having a career there. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You humiliated me. You killed my reputation, and none of the stuff you told people about me is true. But you know what??? It doesn't fucking matter. Because you know how many people believe you and not me? Because of you and your bullshit lies everyone thinks I'm a bad employee.

Also because of you, and because of my mom and everyone else in the past, people can tell I've been picked on. I always think I'm in trouble. It's fucked up.

And yeah, I guess I'm blaming people for my problems here, but I really just need to rant.

Joann might have to move away....and I understand why. But AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH she's my only good friend here. The one I can trust and can tell anything.

My body is disgusting. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the fastest way to lose 10lbs?????? You don't understand. Nobody understands. I need to lose it NOW.

Why can't I just be me around you? And WHAT THE FUCK is your problem??????

I want to get high so I can forget about all this....and for just a few hours I can just be. Just float through life without knowing what I'm doing.

You said that if you'd known CPR, it wouldn't have even helped. But you know what? You are so full of shit. You could have taken him to the hospital. COMMON FUCKING SENSE. And dad, what were you thinking?!?!?!?! Don't deny a heart attack. That's just stupid. Okay yeah you were probably scared. But fuck. Now you are dead. The suck it up and be a man thing doesn't really apply when you are having a heart attack.

It's okay you're not actually dead, you are just....on a long business trip in somewhere where they have no phones....or something like that. I get so convinced sometimes dad, that you are not ACTUALLY dead. I have dreams that you died. And then I wake up and I'm so scared that it's true. And then this voice in my head says "no he's not dead," because it's easier that way. But you are, I know it.

Mom's never gonna change. Those ashes are staying in the closet until she dies. And then you know what????We'll have to bury you both at the same time and I'll have to go through this all AGAIN. It's so fucked up.

I need you. Please hold me forever and don't ever leave me. I'm scared. Please come home and never leave again. One day when you leave it could be the last time and I will never see you again. Just come home and hold me and don't let anything bad happen. I don't know why I am scared but I am.

ALONE

"I waited for you today, but you didn't show, no nooo noo. I needed you today. So where did you go."

Those lines of the song "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl describe just how I feel today, and a lot of the time. I'm like fucking screaming for help, but nobody is listening. And I'm all alone. It's like that most of the time. I feel forgotten, abandoned, and lost.

And it's not just like that with friends, it's like that with God, and with my dad. People are all like "You can still talk to your dad even though he's dead." I kind of don't know how I feel about that. I can talk to him. I get no response. I end up feeling worse. Same thing with God. Same thing with friends sometimes. It's all fucking one way. Ok don't get me wrong, I have a few that aren't like that. I am thankful to have Joann in my life for that :)

SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

Lab rat

I am sick of being treated like a lab rat!!!!!

AGE SIX
I was diagnosed with ADHD, after being forced to go to a multitude of doctors and specialists. I was put on medication and taken to the psychiatrist EVERY WEEK.

BETWEEN AGE SIX AND TWELVE
My mom worked weekends for a few years back then. My dad would sometimes take me off my meds on the weekends. My mom would "notice" and get mad. My dad always said I'd probably eventually not need the medications anymore. He listened to me.

AGE TWELVE
I was 12 when my dad died. Thats when the fighting started. I remember one fight with my mom very distinctly. It was around May 9th. She was yelling at me about something or other. Something stupid. And I was so distraught. I locked myself in the bathroom so she couldn't hurt me. She kept screaming. I couldn't handle it anymore and I yelled back. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!?! JUST LISTEN?!?!?!" I punched the door. I'd done this before, but this time, to my shock, I'd broken TWO holes in the door. But she still wouldn't listen. And my grandma and mom were like, "wow girl, you got a problem." So guess who got sent to see the school counsellor that day? Well at least someone listened.

AGES TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN
She never did listen. All those years. The fighting continued. Sometimes just screaming, but sometimes physical. Sometimes during a fight, she'd yell at me "did you take your pill today?" That hurt A LOT. I had taken my meds. I always did. But she acted as though thats all I was worth....some damn pill. Or we'd be arguing and she'd storm into the kitchen, grab my medication and yell "here, it is time for you to take this." I never got a choice.

AGE SEVENTEEN
Grade 12. The year of the breakdown. I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. I couldn't focus because i was so anxious all the time, I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't sleep hardly at all. And when I did, it was a restless sleep. I was so depressed but I didnt usually let it show. But at that moment, I could not hold it inside me anymore. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I burst into tears and let it all (well some of it) out. I told him I was having anxiety problems. My grades in school had dropped quite a bit. When my mother found out, I was sent to a shrink to increase my meds. I told her I was feeling anxious all the time. My mom blamed it on me. I couldn't tell the doctor everything because my mom was sitting right next to me. The doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety. My mom wouldn't even LISTEN to what she had to say. I got yelled at all the way back to school. That night when I tried to talk to her about it again and I got screamed at and screamed at and screamed at "YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MORE DRUGS. AND ATTENTION. YOU JUST WANT DRUGS AND ATTENTION." She slammed her door and I heard her screaming to herself.

NOW
I am sick of this. I don't want to take these drugs any more. I don't know what I want really. I just....UGH. I'm more than just some ADD kid you know? And those medications DO have side effects. She never bothered to care how they made me feel as long as they worked. Sometimes I just don't take them. I just want the hurt to stop.

DEATH, ASHES, AND FUNERALS

So Wednesday was the day of the funeral. It was hard. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say. There were so many people they couldn't all fit in the room at the funeral home. So the rest of the people had to go in the reception hall, and LISTEN to the funeral on the speakers.

That night I straight out asked my mom what she'd done with my dad's ashes......in the closet, as I suspected. But WHY?!?!?!HOW!?!?! She said "it's just so horrible Karin." You know whats just as horrible if not more horrible than his death??? Its the fact that SHE just fucking shoved his ashes a closet for 7 and a half years!!!! Come on she had 2 funerals for him. Normally they are to commemorate the life of someone. But if she cared so much about him to have 2 funerals for him, how could she just shove his ashes in a closet for almost 8 years?!?!?!? I told her this. She laughed at me. He would not have wanted that. Every time we go to North Dakota, we visit Grandpa's grave, because we loved him. But what's left of my dad just gets shoved in a closet. What kind of respect is that? You never cared about how I felt about any of this mom. I love you but I HATE YOU FOR THIS.

Oh by the way, for those of you who actually CARE about my wishes, (aka NOT my mom), when I die I want to be buried NOT cremated. And I DON'T want to be buried in Edmonton. Because I was born here, and I definitely don't want to be buried here because I hate it here. When I told that to my mom she screamed at me and told me not to talk that way. And SHE is the one hiding her husband's ashes in the closet for years and not caring how her children feel about that. SELFISH BITCH!!!!!! I am sorry but I just need to let these emotions out.

"I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, WHY DO I LOVE YOU?!?!?!?!" - That one line from the song "I hate everything about you," by Three Days Grace, pretty much describes how I feel in regards to this situation with my mom. But only that line, not the rest of the song, since the song is about sex.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

It's almost the twenty third. The dreaded number 23. Carved into my wrist. I don't know why but I still get so worked up around that day.....or this month it could be from other stresses I have going on as well. Anyways, I'm still so fucking angry about that and I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to write about it.

I only remember seeing you in pain 3 times Dad. The first time was when you went snowboarding and collapsed when you got home. The second time was when you stepped on a bee in my room and it stung your foot. The third time was the last. You complained of neck pain for a whole day before you died. You complained of pain so rarely that when you did admit to being in pain, it was pretty bad. But you were always the tough guy. BUT DAD....that day, if you were in so much pain....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY didn't you do something about it?!?!??!?!?! You KNEW that your family had a history of heart disease....I HATE being angry with you. I just wish I understood. I was not angry with you for the longest time....it's just starting to come out now. I love you....I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! Were you trying to be a hero or what!?!?!?!

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry and tell you I loved you. Will I ever forgive myself? I watched you die. And I was scared so I ran and hid in the basement. I didn't do anything. I thought you'd be alright. I didn't know it was a fucking heart attack. I should have done CPR or SOMETHING!!!!!!! Or called 911.

Mom was just freaking out. I don't know what she did because like I said I ran downstairs. She knew you were in a lot of pain that day too. Why didn't she do something?????

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? I have been asking myself these questions over and over again for years. And yes I am going crazy over it. But I'm just not okay with this. I will never be okay with it. I need you dad. I'm really hurting right now.

Daddy's girl

I remember our first run together
I was five years old
You left me in to play
In the sand box
But i followed all the way
And you had no clue
That I was right behind you

I loved our bike rides to the skate park
Where you fell and hurt your arm
I felt like that was my fault

When you went away for work
It felt like you were gone forever
I counted the days until you'd come home
I kept the post cards you sent me
But now you ARE gone forever
I can count the days
But you are never coming home

In your postcards
You always said you loved me
You missed me and were thinking of me
But you were okay
You were going to take me there someday
But life doesn't always work out that way

I remember our bike rides
And I remember how proud you were
When you bought mom's new bike
Which was stolen the next December
You were going to come to bike camp with me
But you didn't make it that long

You missed my first orchestra concert
And my first violin recital
My first triathlon
And my second one
Mom didn't come to either one

You came to cheer my on
At my race in the pouring rain
You drank the coffee
I woke up early to make for you
You even pretended to like it
Even though nobody would
But I was so proud of myself
I was just trying to be nice
And you drank it
Because you loved me

I wasn't the best daughter
I was far from it
Sometimes I was so mean to you
And I made you sad
I'm sorry
And more sorry i can't tell you that

You always made time for me
From the day I was born
You showed me off
Brought me to work with you
And every year you came to my school
To do presentations for my class
Everyone thought you were so cool

You tucked me in every night
You always knew when something wasn't right
If I was struggling
You brought me up
When I was sad
You comforted me
When I cried
You held me tight
And assured me i'd be alright

All too often
I took you for granted
I didn't understand what I had
Until it was too late
And I'd already lost you

In the car
You let me choose the channel
And you put up with my music
You even pretended to like it
Or maybe you really did
I will never know

I think of you all the time
And wonder what it's like up there
I wonder if it's better than here
I just hope you are happy
And I know you want me to be happy
But I wish we could be together
I thought that's how it was supposed to be
That's what you promised me

You missed my grade seven graduation
Weren't there for my grade twelve grad
You won't be when I finish university either
Or to walk me down the aisle
When I get married

Lots of things remind me of you
Thoughts of you fill my mind
Every time I drink a mocha
You showed me how to make them

Every time I see the number twenty three
I think of you
Such a small number
Yet so full of pain
That nobody else would fully understand
Scarred into my flesh
Memories of that day burned into my mind
Keeping me up at night
Eternally reminding me
Of the one day I don't want to remember
I can't block out those thoughts
They haunt me
And scare me
But I can't change the past

Every time I ride my bikeI think of you
That was our thing
And walks on the beach
Bring back so many memories
Of times we spent together
Every time I go skiing alone
I wish you could be there

Many nights I cried alone
Wishing you would come home
I remember when I was at camp
I was five years old
And the kids were so mean
I wanted to come home
I waited by the window
Knowing that if I waited long enough
You would come
But it's not like that now
You are gone forever
So many broken promises
And dreams that will never come true
I don't understand why this happened
Because you had so much life left in you

We were gonna go backpacking together
You promised to take me to Vancouver with you
When I was older
I am older now
But you are not here anymore
There were so many places you wanted to take me
But you never had a chance

You treated everyone with respect
You never picked favorites
That's why everyone loved you
You changed people's lives

The day you died
Every flag went down
At two Universities
You had two funerals
In two cities
It was very hard on me
But it shows how many people
Loved you

I have changed since you left
I have a lot of anger in me
Some would even say rage
But I try to keep it contained
It's just so hard for me to understand
Why this happened

I love you
And you are the one person
Who always made me feel special
You made me feel appreciated
Even when I felt unloved
You encouraged me
Even when I failed
And congratulated me
For my success
You loved me
Even when I had trouble
Loving myself
I struggle with that every day now

Nearly seven years have passed
And I still miss you
Nobody can change that
No one can take your place
Because I will always be a daddy's girl

I've changed a lot since I saw you
Done things that would bring you to tears
You would not be happy
But you'd still love me
Because i'm special to you

Dad I forgot to tell you
That when you left
You took a part of my heart
And I will never get it back

I don't know what its like in Heaven
Some people say we'll meet up there
But to be honest
I have a hard time believing that
The idea that you are gone
And I will never see you again
Is difficult enough for me to face
But the concept of meeting you in Heaven
Is just so hard for me to grasp

I'm sorry dad
It's time for me to move on
I can't dwell on this forever
But in a way we will always be together
I will always be your daughter
You were a big part of my life
I can't deny that
And nobody can make me forget
I'll always be a daddy's girl