Rain

I just found THE most relaxing soothing song EVER. "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin. You wouldn't think a hardcore band like them would produce a chill song like this but they did. Wow.

ALONE

"I waited for you today, but you didn't show, no nooo noo. I needed you today. So where did you go."

Those lines of the song "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl describe just how I feel today, and a lot of the time. I'm like fucking screaming for help, but nobody is listening. And I'm all alone. It's like that most of the time. I feel forgotten, abandoned, and lost.

And it's not just like that with friends, it's like that with God, and with my dad. People are all like "You can still talk to your dad even though he's dead." I kind of don't know how I feel about that. I can talk to him. I get no response. I end up feeling worse. Same thing with God. Same thing with friends sometimes. It's all fucking one way. Ok don't get me wrong, I have a few that aren't like that. I am thankful to have Joann in my life for that :)

SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now

"I'd come for you"

Last night was the best new years eve I've had in years. I made a new friend, I ended up getting a second job lol, and I hung out with my best friend. But I also disappointed my other best friend. I went for a drink with Joann and Jim, and then we smoked a couple joints. And then I slept over at Matt's house and hung out with him. Here's the thing....I don't regret smoking weed because it was a learning opportunity (some might say a mistake....but you cannot make a mistake that you don't learn from....well you can but then you just make the mistake until you learn.) Mercy sounded pretty disappointed when I told her because she cares about me. I texted Joann and told her "I appreciate you sharing your culture with me and I understand your reasons for doing that. But smoking weed just isn't really my thing. I hope you understand." She said something like this in response: "Of course my dear. But whatever you choose for you, I want you to know you are awesome." That does not mean I will never smoke weed again. But I realise that I don't need to do that to fit in, I don't need to do it to be myself, and I don't need to do it to stop cutting. And I love Joann to death, weed or no weed. And I love Mercy too. If she had said "cool keep smoking weed. I'm proud of you" - that kinda reaction....That's not a very good friend. She's looking out for me and I need that. I don't want to get to the point where my life revolves around weed.....or around anything for that matter. And Joann is very understanding and supportive of me. Wow 2 best friends. I feel so loved.

Then today, I got a text from Rachel, the lady I tutor. She's 24 by the way. She invited me over to her place for games night this evening. HOW SWEET!!!!!!! All of a sudden all these people want to hang out with me.

This song is just so amazing. "I'd come for you" by Nickelback. This video does not have sound so you have to listen to the song in the background at the same time as the video plays. It broke my heart when I saw at the end of the movie that it was the dad that "would do anything for his daughter." It reminded me of my dad. Anyways, the point is, I could not stop playing the song. It was just so touching. I never realised it, but I DO have amazing friends who would do anything for me....who would come for me even if I was in big trouble....and who would greet me with open arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZ_829lAdc&feature=related

One more thing that I forgot to mention

"I'M BROKEN WHEN I'M LONESOME, AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE GONE AWAY."
- "Broken" ~ Seether and Amy Lee

You left and you took a part of my heart with you and I will NEVER EVER feel the same without that piece. People say to just suck it up. That only makes me feel more alone. Why do they minimize my pain? Will this hurting ever stop? Will it get better or will it always hurt this much? I want to move on. But I feel stuck. DAD I miss you.

"Broken" by Amy Lee and Seether
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxl6HGBbh1s&feature=related

DO I HAVE TO SCREAM FOR YOU TO HEAR ME? DO I HAVE TO BLEED FOR YOU TO SEE ME?

The title of this blog entry comes from the ZoeGirl song "Scream." The first half of the song entirely describes how I feel today. I cut myself several times today after more than 40 days SI free. I am hurting so much inside right now. What does it take for people to see that and to care? I should not have to scream. They should see it in my eyes. Do they have see the blood or the scars or the cuts just to know how much my heart is hurting? I don't cut to get attention. Its just my release. I want my dad. There is one thing I need right now more than anything. I just wish I had someone here to hold me. Not just a "See ya later bud" kind of hug....but something more than that.....An embrace that says what words cannot say....."I love you and I understand. I am here." There is just so much power in human touch. Something that you don't get from words. I feel so alone. I don't want to be selfish. I just want to be held. Well I guess I will go cuddle with my teddy bear. Okay I'm crying again. I'm sick of the lies and the impulses and everything. My roommate knocked on my door today when I was self injuring. I panicked a little bit and said "just a minute I'm putting on my pajamas." So I whipped on a hoodie so she wouldn't see what I'd done.
Oh my gosh what have I done. I didn't feel guilty all day until just this instant. When I have kids they are inevitably going to ask me why I have writing all over my arms. Not just cuts, there are words carved in there too. I hope that Mercy and Denise won't be mad. I hope they still talk to me and don't hate me. I am sorry.

Zoegirl "Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv_iLANNRFg&feature=related

20 days

So I have 20 days SI free. Almost didn't make it through last night but I fell asleep (thank God). Speaking of which, I keep falling asleep in my clothes, with the light on, computer on. Sometimes I'm even eating when I fall asleep. Today I slept through class. Well...this time if wasn't really like that. I woke up, decided to skip class, then went back to sleep. Grrrrrrrrrrr......bad Karin.

But yeah....20 days...that's like 2/3 of milestone.

There are two songs of the day today. The first one is "Bittersweet" by Within Temptation. I heard it for the first time yesterday and I just can't stop listening to it. It's just sooooo beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItJD5FWjr2s
The second song of the day is "Like you" by Evanescence because following the post I just made about my dad, that song describes how I often feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgdbt2WOFIk&feature=PlayList&p=BB504D87C07B4105&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Its 2:30 in the morning and I have school in 8 and a half hours yet sleep is so far from my mind right now. Seriously wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupid cravings!!!!!! In the past few hours i've eaten a ridiculous amount of really random food. UGH too much carbs and sugars in too little time. I'm starting to feel a bit sick. But really thats not what I'm craving. I feel like a frickin' vampire sometimes. What is it about blood that is so appealing to me? Just to see it spread in a straight line across my arm is comforting. CONTROL. I feel so fat right now but I haven't gained weight. My roommates think I am crazy, but I honestly feel like I look fatter. I need to go work out but I am worried about how that will turn out. Compulsive Overexercise is like secondary self harm. In this frame of mind, not having SId in 2 weeks, i go overboard with everything else I do. I don't want to get to where I used to be.....exercising til I nearly passed out and could not get up. Everything in moderation.....but why is that not working for me right now. I guess my mind knows I've stopped SI and is overcompensating in another area. Because I know that if I go and work out now, it will be for all the wrong reasons.....

I am really hating my body right now. And I don't get where all of this is coming from. I had a great day. I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling all of this. kay now I'm tired. And its almost 3 am.

The song of the day is "Ugly Side" by Blue October.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjSJ26OGZ30