FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now

WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Its 2:30 in the morning and I have school in 8 and a half hours yet sleep is so far from my mind right now. Seriously wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupid cravings!!!!!! In the past few hours i've eaten a ridiculous amount of really random food. UGH too much carbs and sugars in too little time. I'm starting to feel a bit sick. But really thats not what I'm craving. I feel like a frickin' vampire sometimes. What is it about blood that is so appealing to me? Just to see it spread in a straight line across my arm is comforting. CONTROL. I feel so fat right now but I haven't gained weight. My roommates think I am crazy, but I honestly feel like I look fatter. I need to go work out but I am worried about how that will turn out. Compulsive Overexercise is like secondary self harm. In this frame of mind, not having SId in 2 weeks, i go overboard with everything else I do. I don't want to get to where I used to be.....exercising til I nearly passed out and could not get up. Everything in moderation.....but why is that not working for me right now. I guess my mind knows I've stopped SI and is overcompensating in another area. Because I know that if I go and work out now, it will be for all the wrong reasons.....

I am really hating my body right now. And I don't get where all of this is coming from. I had a great day. I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling all of this. kay now I'm tired. And its almost 3 am.

The song of the day is "Ugly Side" by Blue October.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjSJ26OGZ30