I'm sorry Kayleigh I broke my promise of writing every week.
I stopped my adhd meds almost 2 weeks ago now, and it's going great. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. Denise - I know I should see my doctor, but I don't want to. This is my choice. I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to see a doctor, I don't want to talk about it.
My eating, on the other hand, is...well...not right. I'm eating more than usual. I get extremely strong cravings for sweets like chocolate and candy. Which is normal for me. I eat it, but then feel really guilty about it. But instead of starving myself, I keep eating it. It tortures me. I am torturing myself. But if I don't eat, that's torturing myself too. I need some self control. But not too much. Ugh. Does this even make sense? Frick. Yes, I've gained some weight. I hate it hate it hate it. Only a few pounds but it makes a difference. I frickin look like about 2-3 months pregnant. But its the last week of classes. I have a couple big papers due in the next week. I don't have a whole lot of time to work out. But in a week, I have to work it off. I can't let myself gain anymore weight. I have eaten so much chocolate this past couple days that its gross. Frick! It is ridiculous and not healthy.
I'm also been having obsessions with my scars. I stare at them multiple times a day, I admire them. Man, I'm fucked up. I LIKE my scars, I don't want to get rid of them. But it's more than that. I'm OBSESSED with my scars.
Ok...thats enough for today.....
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Lab rat
I am sick of being treated like a lab rat!!!!!
AGE SIX
I was diagnosed with ADHD, after being forced to go to a multitude of doctors and specialists. I was put on medication and taken to the psychiatrist EVERY WEEK.
BETWEEN AGE SIX AND TWELVE
My mom worked weekends for a few years back then. My dad would sometimes take me off my meds on the weekends. My mom would "notice" and get mad. My dad always said I'd probably eventually not need the medications anymore. He listened to me.
AGE TWELVE
I was 12 when my dad died. Thats when the fighting started. I remember one fight with my mom very distinctly. It was around May 9th. She was yelling at me about something or other. Something stupid. And I was so distraught. I locked myself in the bathroom so she couldn't hurt me. She kept screaming. I couldn't handle it anymore and I yelled back. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!?! JUST LISTEN?!?!?!" I punched the door. I'd done this before, but this time, to my shock, I'd broken TWO holes in the door. But she still wouldn't listen. And my grandma and mom were like, "wow girl, you got a problem." So guess who got sent to see the school counsellor that day? Well at least someone listened.
AGES TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN
She never did listen. All those years. The fighting continued. Sometimes just screaming, but sometimes physical. Sometimes during a fight, she'd yell at me "did you take your pill today?" That hurt A LOT. I had taken my meds. I always did. But she acted as though thats all I was worth....some damn pill. Or we'd be arguing and she'd storm into the kitchen, grab my medication and yell "here, it is time for you to take this." I never got a choice.
AGE SEVENTEEN
Grade 12. The year of the breakdown. I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. I couldn't focus because i was so anxious all the time, I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't sleep hardly at all. And when I did, it was a restless sleep. I was so depressed but I didnt usually let it show. But at that moment, I could not hold it inside me anymore. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I burst into tears and let it all (well some of it) out. I told him I was having anxiety problems. My grades in school had dropped quite a bit. When my mother found out, I was sent to a shrink to increase my meds. I told her I was feeling anxious all the time. My mom blamed it on me. I couldn't tell the doctor everything because my mom was sitting right next to me. The doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety. My mom wouldn't even LISTEN to what she had to say. I got yelled at all the way back to school. That night when I tried to talk to her about it again and I got screamed at and screamed at and screamed at "YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MORE DRUGS. AND ATTENTION. YOU JUST WANT DRUGS AND ATTENTION." She slammed her door and I heard her screaming to herself.
NOW
I am sick of this. I don't want to take these drugs any more. I don't know what I want really. I just....UGH. I'm more than just some ADD kid you know? And those medications DO have side effects. She never bothered to care how they made me feel as long as they worked. Sometimes I just don't take them. I just want the hurt to stop.
AGE SIX
I was diagnosed with ADHD, after being forced to go to a multitude of doctors and specialists. I was put on medication and taken to the psychiatrist EVERY WEEK.
BETWEEN AGE SIX AND TWELVE
My mom worked weekends for a few years back then. My dad would sometimes take me off my meds on the weekends. My mom would "notice" and get mad. My dad always said I'd probably eventually not need the medications anymore. He listened to me.
AGE TWELVE
I was 12 when my dad died. Thats when the fighting started. I remember one fight with my mom very distinctly. It was around May 9th. She was yelling at me about something or other. Something stupid. And I was so distraught. I locked myself in the bathroom so she couldn't hurt me. She kept screaming. I couldn't handle it anymore and I yelled back. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!?! JUST LISTEN?!?!?!" I punched the door. I'd done this before, but this time, to my shock, I'd broken TWO holes in the door. But she still wouldn't listen. And my grandma and mom were like, "wow girl, you got a problem." So guess who got sent to see the school counsellor that day? Well at least someone listened.
AGES TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN
She never did listen. All those years. The fighting continued. Sometimes just screaming, but sometimes physical. Sometimes during a fight, she'd yell at me "did you take your pill today?" That hurt A LOT. I had taken my meds. I always did. But she acted as though thats all I was worth....some damn pill. Or we'd be arguing and she'd storm into the kitchen, grab my medication and yell "here, it is time for you to take this." I never got a choice.
AGE SEVENTEEN
Grade 12. The year of the breakdown. I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. I couldn't focus because i was so anxious all the time, I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't sleep hardly at all. And when I did, it was a restless sleep. I was so depressed but I didnt usually let it show. But at that moment, I could not hold it inside me anymore. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I burst into tears and let it all (well some of it) out. I told him I was having anxiety problems. My grades in school had dropped quite a bit. When my mother found out, I was sent to a shrink to increase my meds. I told her I was feeling anxious all the time. My mom blamed it on me. I couldn't tell the doctor everything because my mom was sitting right next to me. The doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety. My mom wouldn't even LISTEN to what she had to say. I got yelled at all the way back to school. That night when I tried to talk to her about it again and I got screamed at and screamed at and screamed at "YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MORE DRUGS. AND ATTENTION. YOU JUST WANT DRUGS AND ATTENTION." She slammed her door and I heard her screaming to herself.
NOW
I am sick of this. I don't want to take these drugs any more. I don't know what I want really. I just....UGH. I'm more than just some ADD kid you know? And those medications DO have side effects. She never bothered to care how they made me feel as long as they worked. Sometimes I just don't take them. I just want the hurt to stop.
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