New post - does anyone still read this?

Hello
So I figured after over a year I should post just for the hell of it. Whatever. Since this started out as my recovery blog, I guess I should update on that. I had a major relapse around September. Things got really bad (as they usually do). I was cutting until about February. I've burned and scratched myself a few times since then but no cutting. I guess that's an accomplishment. I have some crazy-ass scars on my right arm that are undeniably from SI. Other than that, I've moved out into my own place. NO ROOMMATES FINALLY!!!!! YAY :) I'm still struggling with the fact that Joann is gone and I haven't seen her in over a year. I miss her like crazy and even though she's still alive, I feel so alone. I hardly ever talk to her. On a more positive note, I'll be done school in December so that's exciting. On another note, I'm finally admitting to the world that yes, I am indeed bisexual! I've started dating women, have slept with two so far and it was great. I am looking forward to future opportunities. I have not, however, come out to my mom. Lol I'm sure that will not go over well.

Selfish and Jealous

I feel really selfish today. I feel that it's wrong but I am going to write about it anyway because I need to get it off my chest.

So my roommate broke up with her boyfriend 3 days ago. Yeah okay I can see how that would be hard but come on...do you really need to be surrounded by friends 24/7 for 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that it's even my business, but it seems a bit much. I admit I am kind of jealous. I have had lots of shit happen in my life, and I didn't have that kind of support. At one point I was suicidal and I had no friends to speak of. I got through it. Fuck Julia, when my dad DIED, I didn't need to be surrounded be friends constantly. I mean isn't that a bit needy?!?!? Its not like Kevin died. I'd probably have different views on this if you weren't such a BITCH to me. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of it!!!!!!!!!!! I am sick of being told you don't want to talk and then I hear you laughing and talking to your friend in the room next to mine. I say three words and thats too much for you though. I'm so fucking tired of this Julia!!!!!!! I am sick of being treated like shit. You don't treat your friends like this. WTF!!!!!!!! I am sick of sitting in my room alone because you don't want me around, and all the while hearing you having fun with Laura. It hurts, you know. But you probably don't give a fuck. You are so self absorbed.

Too much to handle

Am I too much to handle? Because that's the impression I'm getting. I have been spending most of my time in my room alone lately. Why? Because who else do I have to hang out with? I thought being on the realm all the time was making me withdrawn from real life. But maybe I'm BEING pushed away.

This morning I came out of my room and my roommate was sitting at the computer singing along a lil bit with her music. I'd never really heard her sing before. I asked "do you like singing?".....4 words. And she responded "Karin I can't handle this right now." Yeah I've been getting that a lot lately. I come out of my room for the first time in hours and I say a few words and all of a sudden I'm too fucking much to handle. Its my house too you know. I shouldn't feel like I am intruding just by coming out of my room. Am I not worthy enough to talk to people?

The other day, she was in the kitchen with her friend. I said hi and started talking a bit to them. Julia said "Karin we are busy right now"...right once again too busy to talk to me. And then Laura came home and they were all talking and laughing for at least half an hour. Why is it an imposition when I say hi but then when Laura comes in she's welcomed and invited to join?!?!?!?!

Am I really so hard to deal with?!?!?!?! To say I don't feel hurt would be a lie. I get treated this way a lot. People used to call me to see if I wanted to hang out. Not anymore. People used to return my calls...not anymore. My friend Amanda is always on facebook but never talks to me....never responds to my texts or messages.

And yesterday I called my mom at work. Just to say hi. Because she likes that. But she got annoyed and didn't want to talk to me. I guess I bothered her at work. But usually she's cool with that. Even SHE didn't call me back when she got home.

I don't know why but I'm really upset. I feel really hurt. I am just screaming inside. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!