20 days

So I have 20 days SI free. Almost didn't make it through last night but I fell asleep (thank God). Speaking of which, I keep falling asleep in my clothes, with the light on, computer on. Sometimes I'm even eating when I fall asleep. Today I slept through class. Well...this time if wasn't really like that. I woke up, decided to skip class, then went back to sleep. Grrrrrrrrrrr......bad Karin.

But yeah....20 days...that's like 2/3 of milestone.

There are two songs of the day today. The first one is "Bittersweet" by Within Temptation. I heard it for the first time yesterday and I just can't stop listening to it. It's just sooooo beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItJD5FWjr2s
The second song of the day is "Like you" by Evanescence because following the post I just made about my dad, that song describes how I often feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgdbt2WOFIk&feature=PlayList&p=BB504D87C07B4105&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

It's almost the twenty third. The dreaded number 23. Carved into my wrist. I don't know why but I still get so worked up around that day.....or this month it could be from other stresses I have going on as well. Anyways, I'm still so fucking angry about that and I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to write about it.

I only remember seeing you in pain 3 times Dad. The first time was when you went snowboarding and collapsed when you got home. The second time was when you stepped on a bee in my room and it stung your foot. The third time was the last. You complained of neck pain for a whole day before you died. You complained of pain so rarely that when you did admit to being in pain, it was pretty bad. But you were always the tough guy. BUT DAD....that day, if you were in so much pain....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY didn't you do something about it?!?!??!?!?! You KNEW that your family had a history of heart disease....I HATE being angry with you. I just wish I understood. I was not angry with you for the longest time....it's just starting to come out now. I love you....I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! Were you trying to be a hero or what!?!?!?!

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry and tell you I loved you. Will I ever forgive myself? I watched you die. And I was scared so I ran and hid in the basement. I didn't do anything. I thought you'd be alright. I didn't know it was a fucking heart attack. I should have done CPR or SOMETHING!!!!!!! Or called 911.

Mom was just freaking out. I don't know what she did because like I said I ran downstairs. She knew you were in a lot of pain that day too. Why didn't she do something?????

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? I have been asking myself these questions over and over again for years. And yes I am going crazy over it. But I'm just not okay with this. I will never be okay with it. I need you dad. I'm really hurting right now.

My silent scream

I can't take it anymore
I want to grab a knife
Slide it across my wrist
Watch the blood
Cool and comforting
Form a line
Over and over again

Maybe seven times
Maybe eight
Or nine
As many as it takes

I need release
I am screaming inside
Overwhelmed
With sadness
And loneliness
And anger

I need to bleed
I need my drugs
My release
My silent scream