10 months

I have 10 months SI free now. Will be 10 months on the 15th. Yeah yeah that's great and shit but my so-called sponsor won't even talk to me anymore. It's been over a month now. Story of my life. I know she's prob busy and shit but it's not just that. She told me last time we talked that sometimes she just doesn't answer the phone because she doesn't know what to say to me. I'm not really doing the steps any more. I don't want to feel like if I do, she'll talk to me. I just want to be friends with her again. But then, what is a person who is only a friend when it is convenient for them? Is that a friend? She's pretty much just supported my theory that everyone is like that.

ALONE

"I waited for you today, but you didn't show, no nooo noo. I needed you today. So where did you go."

Those lines of the song "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl describe just how I feel today, and a lot of the time. I'm like fucking screaming for help, but nobody is listening. And I'm all alone. It's like that most of the time. I feel forgotten, abandoned, and lost.

And it's not just like that with friends, it's like that with God, and with my dad. People are all like "You can still talk to your dad even though he's dead." I kind of don't know how I feel about that. I can talk to him. I get no response. I end up feeling worse. Same thing with God. Same thing with friends sometimes. It's all fucking one way. Ok don't get me wrong, I have a few that aren't like that. I am thankful to have Joann in my life for that :)

FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now

Battle in my head

I'm really lonely. People don't understand and I can't relate to them. I feel like I'm not accepted as I am. I feel really fucking ditched. I know people don't mean to make me feel that way, its just me. Corey is moving back to Ontario. Besides him, I have Joann and Matt here. I haven't hung out with Joann in a month. We were supposed to hang out a couple of times but it didn't work out. I gained a few pounds and I feel so fat, I look like a cow. Fuck. And my educational phys ed class is full of skinny bitches and they are so pretty. I just want to disappear. I feel so FAT. Anyone reading this blog will probably not understand and will think I am exaggerating. Does anyone understand? Fuck.

"I'd come for you"

Last night was the best new years eve I've had in years. I made a new friend, I ended up getting a second job lol, and I hung out with my best friend. But I also disappointed my other best friend. I went for a drink with Joann and Jim, and then we smoked a couple joints. And then I slept over at Matt's house and hung out with him. Here's the thing....I don't regret smoking weed because it was a learning opportunity (some might say a mistake....but you cannot make a mistake that you don't learn from....well you can but then you just make the mistake until you learn.) Mercy sounded pretty disappointed when I told her because she cares about me. I texted Joann and told her "I appreciate you sharing your culture with me and I understand your reasons for doing that. But smoking weed just isn't really my thing. I hope you understand." She said something like this in response: "Of course my dear. But whatever you choose for you, I want you to know you are awesome." That does not mean I will never smoke weed again. But I realise that I don't need to do that to fit in, I don't need to do it to be myself, and I don't need to do it to stop cutting. And I love Joann to death, weed or no weed. And I love Mercy too. If she had said "cool keep smoking weed. I'm proud of you" - that kinda reaction....That's not a very good friend. She's looking out for me and I need that. I don't want to get to the point where my life revolves around weed.....or around anything for that matter. And Joann is very understanding and supportive of me. Wow 2 best friends. I feel so loved.

Then today, I got a text from Rachel, the lady I tutor. She's 24 by the way. She invited me over to her place for games night this evening. HOW SWEET!!!!!!! All of a sudden all these people want to hang out with me.

This song is just so amazing. "I'd come for you" by Nickelback. This video does not have sound so you have to listen to the song in the background at the same time as the video plays. It broke my heart when I saw at the end of the movie that it was the dad that "would do anything for his daughter." It reminded me of my dad. Anyways, the point is, I could not stop playing the song. It was just so touching. I never realised it, but I DO have amazing friends who would do anything for me....who would come for me even if I was in big trouble....and who would greet me with open arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZ_829lAdc&feature=related

Why do I hold on?

Why do I hold on?
I feel nothing but hurt
Overcome with anger
Towards what I no longer have

Why do I hold on?
I know you don't care
But you once did

It hurts so much
I want to scream
I want to dig my fingers
Into your flesh
And make you bleed
So you can see
How much it hurts

I want to carve up
My own wrist
So you can see
My pain
But would you care?

Why do I hold on?
Such a meaningless relationship
Doing more harm than good
But do you even see that????

I just want to scream
You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what good would that do?
You don't listen
You don't care

Why do I still hold on?

Too much to handle

Am I too much to handle? Because that's the impression I'm getting. I have been spending most of my time in my room alone lately. Why? Because who else do I have to hang out with? I thought being on the realm all the time was making me withdrawn from real life. But maybe I'm BEING pushed away.

This morning I came out of my room and my roommate was sitting at the computer singing along a lil bit with her music. I'd never really heard her sing before. I asked "do you like singing?".....4 words. And she responded "Karin I can't handle this right now." Yeah I've been getting that a lot lately. I come out of my room for the first time in hours and I say a few words and all of a sudden I'm too fucking much to handle. Its my house too you know. I shouldn't feel like I am intruding just by coming out of my room. Am I not worthy enough to talk to people?

The other day, she was in the kitchen with her friend. I said hi and started talking a bit to them. Julia said "Karin we are busy right now"...right once again too busy to talk to me. And then Laura came home and they were all talking and laughing for at least half an hour. Why is it an imposition when I say hi but then when Laura comes in she's welcomed and invited to join?!?!?!?!

Am I really so hard to deal with?!?!?!?! To say I don't feel hurt would be a lie. I get treated this way a lot. People used to call me to see if I wanted to hang out. Not anymore. People used to return my calls...not anymore. My friend Amanda is always on facebook but never talks to me....never responds to my texts or messages.

And yesterday I called my mom at work. Just to say hi. Because she likes that. But she got annoyed and didn't want to talk to me. I guess I bothered her at work. But usually she's cool with that. Even SHE didn't call me back when she got home.

I don't know why but I'm really upset. I feel really hurt. I am just screaming inside. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!