One more thing that I forgot to mention

"I'M BROKEN WHEN I'M LONESOME, AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE GONE AWAY."
- "Broken" ~ Seether and Amy Lee

You left and you took a part of my heart with you and I will NEVER EVER feel the same without that piece. People say to just suck it up. That only makes me feel more alone. Why do they minimize my pain? Will this hurting ever stop? Will it get better or will it always hurt this much? I want to move on. But I feel stuck. DAD I miss you.

"Broken" by Amy Lee and Seether
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxl6HGBbh1s&feature=related

DO I HAVE TO SCREAM FOR YOU TO HEAR ME? DO I HAVE TO BLEED FOR YOU TO SEE ME?

The title of this blog entry comes from the ZoeGirl song "Scream." The first half of the song entirely describes how I feel today. I cut myself several times today after more than 40 days SI free. I am hurting so much inside right now. What does it take for people to see that and to care? I should not have to scream. They should see it in my eyes. Do they have see the blood or the scars or the cuts just to know how much my heart is hurting? I don't cut to get attention. Its just my release. I want my dad. There is one thing I need right now more than anything. I just wish I had someone here to hold me. Not just a "See ya later bud" kind of hug....but something more than that.....An embrace that says what words cannot say....."I love you and I understand. I am here." There is just so much power in human touch. Something that you don't get from words. I feel so alone. I don't want to be selfish. I just want to be held. Well I guess I will go cuddle with my teddy bear. Okay I'm crying again. I'm sick of the lies and the impulses and everything. My roommate knocked on my door today when I was self injuring. I panicked a little bit and said "just a minute I'm putting on my pajamas." So I whipped on a hoodie so she wouldn't see what I'd done.
Oh my gosh what have I done. I didn't feel guilty all day until just this instant. When I have kids they are inevitably going to ask me why I have writing all over my arms. Not just cuts, there are words carved in there too. I hope that Mercy and Denise won't be mad. I hope they still talk to me and don't hate me. I am sorry.

Zoegirl "Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv_iLANNRFg&feature=related