SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now