New post - does anyone still read this?

Hello
So I figured after over a year I should post just for the hell of it. Whatever. Since this started out as my recovery blog, I guess I should update on that. I had a major relapse around September. Things got really bad (as they usually do). I was cutting until about February. I've burned and scratched myself a few times since then but no cutting. I guess that's an accomplishment. I have some crazy-ass scars on my right arm that are undeniably from SI. Other than that, I've moved out into my own place. NO ROOMMATES FINALLY!!!!! YAY :) I'm still struggling with the fact that Joann is gone and I haven't seen her in over a year. I miss her like crazy and even though she's still alive, I feel so alone. I hardly ever talk to her. On a more positive note, I'll be done school in December so that's exciting. On another note, I'm finally admitting to the world that yes, I am indeed bisexual! I've started dating women, have slept with two so far and it was great. I am looking forward to future opportunities. I have not, however, come out to my mom. Lol I'm sure that will not go over well.

10 months

I have 10 months SI free now. Will be 10 months on the 15th. Yeah yeah that's great and shit but my so-called sponsor won't even talk to me anymore. It's been over a month now. Story of my life. I know she's prob busy and shit but it's not just that. She told me last time we talked that sometimes she just doesn't answer the phone because she doesn't know what to say to me. I'm not really doing the steps any more. I don't want to feel like if I do, she'll talk to me. I just want to be friends with her again. But then, what is a person who is only a friend when it is convenient for them? Is that a friend? She's pretty much just supported my theory that everyone is like that.

FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now

I AM NOT OK

I am not okay. A part of me still feels shame in admitting that. Back when I lived with my mom, If I, say, did poorly on a test, I'd get yelled at and told I wasn't good enough or wasn't taking school seriously or was going to fail and not go to university. I would get yelled at all night and cry myself to sleep. As if I didnt feel bad enough about the test in the first place. And then if I got bad marks repeatedly, I'd get hauled off to a psychiatrist. It wasn't just school that I couldn't tell my mom about. It was everything. I hid a knee injury from her for a month for this very reason. It got to the point where I could hardly walk because it hurt so bad and was so swollen. But I still got in shit. And THAT is why I have had it drilled into my head that its not okay, to admit that I am not doing okay.

School isn't going well. I am sick of the bullshit going on at work. I want to cut myself.

DO I HAVE TO SCREAM FOR YOU TO HEAR ME? DO I HAVE TO BLEED FOR YOU TO SEE ME?

The title of this blog entry comes from the ZoeGirl song "Scream." The first half of the song entirely describes how I feel today. I cut myself several times today after more than 40 days SI free. I am hurting so much inside right now. What does it take for people to see that and to care? I should not have to scream. They should see it in my eyes. Do they have see the blood or the scars or the cuts just to know how much my heart is hurting? I don't cut to get attention. Its just my release. I want my dad. There is one thing I need right now more than anything. I just wish I had someone here to hold me. Not just a "See ya later bud" kind of hug....but something more than that.....An embrace that says what words cannot say....."I love you and I understand. I am here." There is just so much power in human touch. Something that you don't get from words. I feel so alone. I don't want to be selfish. I just want to be held. Well I guess I will go cuddle with my teddy bear. Okay I'm crying again. I'm sick of the lies and the impulses and everything. My roommate knocked on my door today when I was self injuring. I panicked a little bit and said "just a minute I'm putting on my pajamas." So I whipped on a hoodie so she wouldn't see what I'd done.
Oh my gosh what have I done. I didn't feel guilty all day until just this instant. When I have kids they are inevitably going to ask me why I have writing all over my arms. Not just cuts, there are words carved in there too. I hope that Mercy and Denise won't be mad. I hope they still talk to me and don't hate me. I am sorry.

Zoegirl "Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv_iLANNRFg&feature=related

TODAY

Ok I don't even know what to say here. My head is full of so much right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with this morning. So I got up at 6:30 to study after going to bed at 1:30 - was up late studying. Okay so I had to work this morning. So I was just working as usual. At one point, Ede (aka "Mom") had a question and I was headed upstairs to find the answer to her question. But I got sidetracked by a page for me to call 205. But I asked Jag and Roland the answer to Mom's question on the way downstairs. Jag and Roland were BOTH in the warehouse and gave me the same answer. I got distracted by about 5 different customer questions on my way to the bakery. So by the time I got back there it was about half an hour later. I went to answer mom's question. And Jag was there. I told mom the answer and she said "NO THATS WRONG. " I replied that that is what Jag had told me. And Jag totally freaked out at me. "GET BACK TO WORK KARIN AND STOP WASTING TIME. STOP ASKING SO MANY MANAGERS THE SAME QUESTION. JUST STOP WASTING TIME." I was ANSWERING a question not ASKING it. Then I got in trouble with Mike later because I was doing something inefficiently. At one point I realised I had no clue where the rest of the team members from my department were missing. They had gone for break without inviting me. Later when I mentioned it to them, they all laughed at me. But I was hurt, and it didn't seem funny to me at all. Besides that Tekala was being a really bitch to me today. All the while, my urges to cut were getting worse. I kept distracting myself. I told myself that maybe the Christmas party would cheer me up a bit. But no not really. Just put on my smile as usual and pretended to be as happy as I acted. I am really hurting and I feel like nobody really understands. And Cameo's death is bringing back some strong memories from my Dad's death. At one point during the party, the urges to cut got really bad. I was desperate, and I couldn't really just go ahead and cut because everyone was around and they would notice. I begged and begged John for a cigarette and I knew Joann wouldn't let me have one. He finally caved and let me have the half smoke left in his pocket. Or I took it out of his hand. I think Joann was pretty disappointed. She doesn't want me to get into smoking because she is addicted.

Oh by the way I hate my body. I realised my blouse that I wore tonight makes me look chubby. GROSS! I need to lose a few pounds.

I didn't think that she was actually mad at me until I got home. Joann had promised me a ride. She left as soon as the party was over. And didn't even say bye. I got a ride with Roland's fiance. I texted Joann when I got home but no response. I don't know what's going on.

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!

Why do I hold on?

Why do I hold on?
I feel nothing but hurt
Overcome with anger
Towards what I no longer have

Why do I hold on?
I know you don't care
But you once did

It hurts so much
I want to scream
I want to dig my fingers
Into your flesh
And make you bleed
So you can see
How much it hurts

I want to carve up
My own wrist
So you can see
My pain
But would you care?

Why do I hold on?
Such a meaningless relationship
Doing more harm than good
But do you even see that????

I just want to scream
You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what good would that do?
You don't listen
You don't care

Why do I still hold on?

25 days

Today I had my first counselling appointment in almost 3 months. I saw a new psychologist. A problem I often have with therapists is that I tend to shut down and avoid talking about what I need to discuss. This continues....sometimes for months...and progress it not made. I guess that is my coping mechanism. But it is time to deal with my issues. I was talking to Mercy about this problem and she said I should tell the therapist this right away. So I did, and I'm glad. The therapist is awesome. We are going to develop a relapse prevention program. And then once I feel more secure in my recovery, we will start to deal with my trauma and hurt from my dad's death. And if it is triggering for me, we will step back and slow down. But yes, I know it will be hard. But FUCK it's been 7.5 years. It's about time I deal with this shit. DAD I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!

Not as bad as expected

So today is the 23rd - a perpetually evil number. A number that is an eternal reminder that my dad is gone. Not only April 23rd, but just the number 23 in general. But today was actually a pretty good day. I had a major breakdown 2 nights ago but Jrecov was awesome and he got me through the night. I just needed to be able to say "I am sad, I am hurting" and have someone say that that's okay for me to feel that way. Because as hard as it is to believe, I often get the response that it's NOT okay for me to feel that way. I also made a new friend named Polly Rose :)

I am happy right now. I just talked to Mercy for hours on end as usual. I am hoping to get to Europe in 2 years. I want to do a semester in France. It would be at a school in either Lille or Avignon. Then after that maybe I will work in Europe or else I will just travel. Anyways I wish I could see Mercy sooner but it doesn't look like that will happen. Lol I'll have to bring lots of chocolate syrup for her. It costs a lot to send but she's worth it :) But it takes sooooo long to get there.

Mercy and I had quite a conversation tonight....about how I feel like I can feel her pain....but she can't. It's rather complicated. I have never had anyone in my life who understands me as well as she does. Well...except for my dad. But that was different.

Anyways today was a pretty good day. The SMA meeting went well. And I talked to Mercy a bunch, which ALWAYS makes me happy. And on top of all of that, my friend actually texted me and asked me to go for coffee sometime this week. Unfortunately though, since we work totally opposite hours, at the same workplace, it's not going to work this week. Next week should be good though :) I don't remember the last time someone actually asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. And she actually sounds like she sincerely WANTS to spend time with me.

I've been sleeping well most nights lately. But I need eat more I think. But I AM eating so thats good right? So I have 22 days SI free today. So I'm pretty happy about that. Oh and I also made a deal last night with Jrecov....a no drinking deal. He has not had a single drink since he stopped using. Alcohol is not his addiction but he knows that if he were to drink now, he'd get addicted. I've been feeling that way too lately. I don't usually drink but in the past couple weeks, I have had a couple random drinks just because I felt like it and wanted....I don't know what I wanted. Okay I admit it...I was hurting and I could not cut. But if I drink for that reason, it will quickly spiral out of control and become a major problem. It's not a problem at this point but I could see it becoming a problem in the future.....So for now, I'm not allowed to drink AT ALL. And then in a month, we will re-evaluate the situation.

Okay it's almost 2 am so I should go to sleep lol

20 days

So I have 20 days SI free. Almost didn't make it through last night but I fell asleep (thank God). Speaking of which, I keep falling asleep in my clothes, with the light on, computer on. Sometimes I'm even eating when I fall asleep. Today I slept through class. Well...this time if wasn't really like that. I woke up, decided to skip class, then went back to sleep. Grrrrrrrrrrr......bad Karin.

But yeah....20 days...that's like 2/3 of milestone.

There are two songs of the day today. The first one is "Bittersweet" by Within Temptation. I heard it for the first time yesterday and I just can't stop listening to it. It's just sooooo beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItJD5FWjr2s
The second song of the day is "Like you" by Evanescence because following the post I just made about my dad, that song describes how I often feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgdbt2WOFIk&feature=PlayList&p=BB504D87C07B4105&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

My silent scream

I can't take it anymore
I want to grab a knife
Slide it across my wrist
Watch the blood
Cool and comforting
Form a line
Over and over again

Maybe seven times
Maybe eight
Or nine
As many as it takes

I need release
I am screaming inside
Overwhelmed
With sadness
And loneliness
And anger

I need to bleed
I need my drugs
My release
My silent scream

WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Its 2:30 in the morning and I have school in 8 and a half hours yet sleep is so far from my mind right now. Seriously wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupid cravings!!!!!! In the past few hours i've eaten a ridiculous amount of really random food. UGH too much carbs and sugars in too little time. I'm starting to feel a bit sick. But really thats not what I'm craving. I feel like a frickin' vampire sometimes. What is it about blood that is so appealing to me? Just to see it spread in a straight line across my arm is comforting. CONTROL. I feel so fat right now but I haven't gained weight. My roommates think I am crazy, but I honestly feel like I look fatter. I need to go work out but I am worried about how that will turn out. Compulsive Overexercise is like secondary self harm. In this frame of mind, not having SId in 2 weeks, i go overboard with everything else I do. I don't want to get to where I used to be.....exercising til I nearly passed out and could not get up. Everything in moderation.....but why is that not working for me right now. I guess my mind knows I've stopped SI and is overcompensating in another area. Because I know that if I go and work out now, it will be for all the wrong reasons.....

I am really hating my body right now. And I don't get where all of this is coming from. I had a great day. I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling all of this. kay now I'm tired. And its almost 3 am.

The song of the day is "Ugly Side" by Blue October.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjSJ26OGZ30

Awesome day

I had a great day. As usual, the day started with talking to Mercy. I love that girl so much. But I wish she was not so far away. BUT one day I will meet her in real life. Actually I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else in the world. It seems like lately i've been talking to her almost all day every day. I hope she's not getting sick of me. And then after class I went to the counselling office and switched to a new counsellor. I got an appointment booked for next week. I am still waiting to hear back from the recovery groups though. I really need to do this. I need to get more help. Last year I was a stubborn bitch and insisted I could do it all on my own. I made it up to 85 days without SI but have been relapsing since. Just goes to show that I do need help. I can't do it on my own. Mercy has helped me a lot since I joined the realm. And I feel like I can share anything with her and she won't ditch like everyone else has. And I have been attending online SMA meetings 1 - 3 times a week as well as the occasional speaker meeting or womens meeting, or any meeting really lol. I am getting less shy every time. I even found a sponsor today. Her name is Denise (Angie) and I met her on the realm. I am sad though because I was working on something I was gonna send to Mercy but I lost it. But its not like I'm gonna beat myself up over it. I just realised that I've been spending so much time on the computer...on the realm etc that I've been isolating myself even more from the "real world." Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

Overall the day was pretty good. I am so thankful for having people like Mercy and now Denise (Angie) in my life. Oh and there are so many more.....Hope, Dan, JRecov, Bob, Ross.

15 days SI free....still. For crying out loud, is it normal to count this like 20 times a day?!?!?!?! I mean I know I havent relapsed today so I know it hasn't changed. But it's like this compulsion of having to count it over and over again lol. I dunno I'm wierd like that I guess.