New post - does anyone still read this?

Hello
So I figured after over a year I should post just for the hell of it. Whatever. Since this started out as my recovery blog, I guess I should update on that. I had a major relapse around September. Things got really bad (as they usually do). I was cutting until about February. I've burned and scratched myself a few times since then but no cutting. I guess that's an accomplishment. I have some crazy-ass scars on my right arm that are undeniably from SI. Other than that, I've moved out into my own place. NO ROOMMATES FINALLY!!!!! YAY :) I'm still struggling with the fact that Joann is gone and I haven't seen her in over a year. I miss her like crazy and even though she's still alive, I feel so alone. I hardly ever talk to her. On a more positive note, I'll be done school in December so that's exciting. On another note, I'm finally admitting to the world that yes, I am indeed bisexual! I've started dating women, have slept with two so far and it was great. I am looking forward to future opportunities. I have not, however, come out to my mom. Lol I'm sure that will not go over well.

SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

My Obsessions

MY OBSESSIONS

• My scars
• Weighing myself (yeah like 10 times a day)
• I never take the first item at the store, I always go for the one behind it.
• I never pee in the first bathroom stall.
• I refuse to eat anything that looks, smells, or tastes wierd. It freaks me out
• Okay clearly there are like a bazillion more.....I'll add to this list later....maybe.
• Saying goodbye. Okay....goodbyes suck but it's worse when you don't get to say goodbye and then you never see the person again. So yeah, I kinda freak out a bit if I don't get to say goodbye to someone.

Just a post

I'm sorry Kayleigh I broke my promise of writing every week.

I stopped my adhd meds almost 2 weeks ago now, and it's going great. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. Denise - I know I should see my doctor, but I don't want to. This is my choice. I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to see a doctor, I don't want to talk about it.

My eating, on the other hand, is...well...not right. I'm eating more than usual. I get extremely strong cravings for sweets like chocolate and candy. Which is normal for me. I eat it, but then feel really guilty about it. But instead of starving myself, I keep eating it. It tortures me. I am torturing myself. But if I don't eat, that's torturing myself too. I need some self control. But not too much. Ugh. Does this even make sense? Frick. Yes, I've gained some weight. I hate it hate it hate it. Only a few pounds but it makes a difference. I frickin look like about 2-3 months pregnant. But its the last week of classes. I have a couple big papers due in the next week. I don't have a whole lot of time to work out. But in a week, I have to work it off. I can't let myself gain anymore weight. I have eaten so much chocolate this past couple days that its gross. Frick! It is ridiculous and not healthy.

I'm also been having obsessions with my scars. I stare at them multiple times a day, I admire them. Man, I'm fucked up. I LIKE my scars, I don't want to get rid of them. But it's more than that. I'm OBSESSED with my scars.

Ok...thats enough for today.....