SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

Not as bad as expected

So today is the 23rd - a perpetually evil number. A number that is an eternal reminder that my dad is gone. Not only April 23rd, but just the number 23 in general. But today was actually a pretty good day. I had a major breakdown 2 nights ago but Jrecov was awesome and he got me through the night. I just needed to be able to say "I am sad, I am hurting" and have someone say that that's okay for me to feel that way. Because as hard as it is to believe, I often get the response that it's NOT okay for me to feel that way. I also made a new friend named Polly Rose :)

I am happy right now. I just talked to Mercy for hours on end as usual. I am hoping to get to Europe in 2 years. I want to do a semester in France. It would be at a school in either Lille or Avignon. Then after that maybe I will work in Europe or else I will just travel. Anyways I wish I could see Mercy sooner but it doesn't look like that will happen. Lol I'll have to bring lots of chocolate syrup for her. It costs a lot to send but she's worth it :) But it takes sooooo long to get there.

Mercy and I had quite a conversation tonight....about how I feel like I can feel her pain....but she can't. It's rather complicated. I have never had anyone in my life who understands me as well as she does. Well...except for my dad. But that was different.

Anyways today was a pretty good day. The SMA meeting went well. And I talked to Mercy a bunch, which ALWAYS makes me happy. And on top of all of that, my friend actually texted me and asked me to go for coffee sometime this week. Unfortunately though, since we work totally opposite hours, at the same workplace, it's not going to work this week. Next week should be good though :) I don't remember the last time someone actually asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. And she actually sounds like she sincerely WANTS to spend time with me.

I've been sleeping well most nights lately. But I need eat more I think. But I AM eating so thats good right? So I have 22 days SI free today. So I'm pretty happy about that. Oh and I also made a deal last night with Jrecov....a no drinking deal. He has not had a single drink since he stopped using. Alcohol is not his addiction but he knows that if he were to drink now, he'd get addicted. I've been feeling that way too lately. I don't usually drink but in the past couple weeks, I have had a couple random drinks just because I felt like it and wanted....I don't know what I wanted. Okay I admit it...I was hurting and I could not cut. But if I drink for that reason, it will quickly spiral out of control and become a major problem. It's not a problem at this point but I could see it becoming a problem in the future.....So for now, I'm not allowed to drink AT ALL. And then in a month, we will re-evaluate the situation.

Okay it's almost 2 am so I should go to sleep lol

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

It's almost the twenty third. The dreaded number 23. Carved into my wrist. I don't know why but I still get so worked up around that day.....or this month it could be from other stresses I have going on as well. Anyways, I'm still so fucking angry about that and I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to write about it.

I only remember seeing you in pain 3 times Dad. The first time was when you went snowboarding and collapsed when you got home. The second time was when you stepped on a bee in my room and it stung your foot. The third time was the last. You complained of neck pain for a whole day before you died. You complained of pain so rarely that when you did admit to being in pain, it was pretty bad. But you were always the tough guy. BUT DAD....that day, if you were in so much pain....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY didn't you do something about it?!?!??!?!?! You KNEW that your family had a history of heart disease....I HATE being angry with you. I just wish I understood. I was not angry with you for the longest time....it's just starting to come out now. I love you....I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! Were you trying to be a hero or what!?!?!?!

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry and tell you I loved you. Will I ever forgive myself? I watched you die. And I was scared so I ran and hid in the basement. I didn't do anything. I thought you'd be alright. I didn't know it was a fucking heart attack. I should have done CPR or SOMETHING!!!!!!! Or called 911.

Mom was just freaking out. I don't know what she did because like I said I ran downstairs. She knew you were in a lot of pain that day too. Why didn't she do something?????

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? I have been asking myself these questions over and over again for years. And yes I am going crazy over it. But I'm just not okay with this. I will never be okay with it. I need you dad. I'm really hurting right now.