I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

It's almost the twenty third. The dreaded number 23. Carved into my wrist. I don't know why but I still get so worked up around that day.....or this month it could be from other stresses I have going on as well. Anyways, I'm still so fucking angry about that and I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to write about it.

I only remember seeing you in pain 3 times Dad. The first time was when you went snowboarding and collapsed when you got home. The second time was when you stepped on a bee in my room and it stung your foot. The third time was the last. You complained of neck pain for a whole day before you died. You complained of pain so rarely that when you did admit to being in pain, it was pretty bad. But you were always the tough guy. BUT DAD....that day, if you were in so much pain....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY didn't you do something about it?!?!??!?!?! You KNEW that your family had a history of heart disease....I HATE being angry with you. I just wish I understood. I was not angry with you for the longest time....it's just starting to come out now. I love you....I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! Were you trying to be a hero or what!?!?!?!

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry and tell you I loved you. Will I ever forgive myself? I watched you die. And I was scared so I ran and hid in the basement. I didn't do anything. I thought you'd be alright. I didn't know it was a fucking heart attack. I should have done CPR or SOMETHING!!!!!!! Or called 911.

Mom was just freaking out. I don't know what she did because like I said I ran downstairs. She knew you were in a lot of pain that day too. Why didn't she do something?????

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? I have been asking myself these questions over and over again for years. And yes I am going crazy over it. But I'm just not okay with this. I will never be okay with it. I need you dad. I'm really hurting right now.