Little girl

Little girl,
So pretty,
So serene.

Your face,
Flawless like porcelain.
Your lips,
Smooth to the touch.

You are beautiful,
So pure and innocent,
A little angel.

You lie there,
So still and calm,
Like a doll.

BUT WAIT

Something is just not right.
What is that glimmer of sadness
In the corner of your eye?

You are a child
Why are you not playful and free?
You lie there alone,
Your body stiff as stone.

What is this fear
That you are hiding inside?
Because it is clear
That you are terrified.

Who has done this
To the little girl?
A part of her has died.

Little girl,
I wish you could tell me
Who has taken your right to choice.
But you can't
Because he has taken away your voice.

Why do I hold on?

Why do I hold on?
I feel nothing but hurt
Overcome with anger
Towards what I no longer have

Why do I hold on?
I know you don't care
But you once did

It hurts so much
I want to scream
I want to dig my fingers
Into your flesh
And make you bleed
So you can see
How much it hurts

I want to carve up
My own wrist
So you can see
My pain
But would you care?

Why do I hold on?
Such a meaningless relationship
Doing more harm than good
But do you even see that????

I just want to scream
You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what good would that do?
You don't listen
You don't care

Why do I still hold on?

My silent scream

I can't take it anymore
I want to grab a knife
Slide it across my wrist
Watch the blood
Cool and comforting
Form a line
Over and over again

Maybe seven times
Maybe eight
Or nine
As many as it takes

I need release
I am screaming inside
Overwhelmed
With sadness
And loneliness
And anger

I need to bleed
I need my drugs
My release
My silent scream

Trust

You say you are different
And you expect me to believe you
Tell me what you want
But you won't change what I do

Why should I trust you?
Why should I trust anyone?
WHY!!!!!!!!!

I know her tricks
She pretends to care
Then she talks about me
When she thinks I'm not there

You expect me to believe you
Tell me you're not like her
Who are you trying to convince?
Because I sure as hell
Am not believing you

It's nothing you said
That makes me feel this way
But past expereince has taught me
That no good can come from trust
Only pain, loss, anger and agony
You betrayed me with your lies

I don't trust anyone I've had enough pain
Trust is just not my thing


This is another poem written in April 2009.

Crying on the inside

I don’t want to talk to anyone
I am withdrawn
I just want to be alone
But inside I am crying out for help
Screaming out for someone to listen

I am screaming on the inside
Can anyone tell?
You see the scars
But can you see the pain?
When people offer to listen
I don’t know what to say
They say they will lend a caring ear
But do they really want to hear
What I have to say?


This is another one I wrote in April 2009

Daddy's girl

I remember our first run together
I was five years old
You left me in to play
In the sand box
But i followed all the way
And you had no clue
That I was right behind you

I loved our bike rides to the skate park
Where you fell and hurt your arm
I felt like that was my fault

When you went away for work
It felt like you were gone forever
I counted the days until you'd come home
I kept the post cards you sent me
But now you ARE gone forever
I can count the days
But you are never coming home

In your postcards
You always said you loved me
You missed me and were thinking of me
But you were okay
You were going to take me there someday
But life doesn't always work out that way

I remember our bike rides
And I remember how proud you were
When you bought mom's new bike
Which was stolen the next December
You were going to come to bike camp with me
But you didn't make it that long

You missed my first orchestra concert
And my first violin recital
My first triathlon
And my second one
Mom didn't come to either one

You came to cheer my on
At my race in the pouring rain
You drank the coffee
I woke up early to make for you
You even pretended to like it
Even though nobody would
But I was so proud of myself
I was just trying to be nice
And you drank it
Because you loved me

I wasn't the best daughter
I was far from it
Sometimes I was so mean to you
And I made you sad
I'm sorry
And more sorry i can't tell you that

You always made time for me
From the day I was born
You showed me off
Brought me to work with you
And every year you came to my school
To do presentations for my class
Everyone thought you were so cool

You tucked me in every night
You always knew when something wasn't right
If I was struggling
You brought me up
When I was sad
You comforted me
When I cried
You held me tight
And assured me i'd be alright

All too often
I took you for granted
I didn't understand what I had
Until it was too late
And I'd already lost you

In the car
You let me choose the channel
And you put up with my music
You even pretended to like it
Or maybe you really did
I will never know

I think of you all the time
And wonder what it's like up there
I wonder if it's better than here
I just hope you are happy
And I know you want me to be happy
But I wish we could be together
I thought that's how it was supposed to be
That's what you promised me

You missed my grade seven graduation
Weren't there for my grade twelve grad
You won't be when I finish university either
Or to walk me down the aisle
When I get married

Lots of things remind me of you
Thoughts of you fill my mind
Every time I drink a mocha
You showed me how to make them

Every time I see the number twenty three
I think of you
Such a small number
Yet so full of pain
That nobody else would fully understand
Scarred into my flesh
Memories of that day burned into my mind
Keeping me up at night
Eternally reminding me
Of the one day I don't want to remember
I can't block out those thoughts
They haunt me
And scare me
But I can't change the past

Every time I ride my bikeI think of you
That was our thing
And walks on the beach
Bring back so many memories
Of times we spent together
Every time I go skiing alone
I wish you could be there

Many nights I cried alone
Wishing you would come home
I remember when I was at camp
I was five years old
And the kids were so mean
I wanted to come home
I waited by the window
Knowing that if I waited long enough
You would come
But it's not like that now
You are gone forever
So many broken promises
And dreams that will never come true
I don't understand why this happened
Because you had so much life left in you

We were gonna go backpacking together
You promised to take me to Vancouver with you
When I was older
I am older now
But you are not here anymore
There were so many places you wanted to take me
But you never had a chance

You treated everyone with respect
You never picked favorites
That's why everyone loved you
You changed people's lives

The day you died
Every flag went down
At two Universities
You had two funerals
In two cities
It was very hard on me
But it shows how many people
Loved you

I have changed since you left
I have a lot of anger in me
Some would even say rage
But I try to keep it contained
It's just so hard for me to understand
Why this happened

I love you
And you are the one person
Who always made me feel special
You made me feel appreciated
Even when I felt unloved
You encouraged me
Even when I failed
And congratulated me
For my success
You loved me
Even when I had trouble
Loving myself
I struggle with that every day now

Nearly seven years have passed
And I still miss you
Nobody can change that
No one can take your place
Because I will always be a daddy's girl

I've changed a lot since I saw you
Done things that would bring you to tears
You would not be happy
But you'd still love me
Because i'm special to you

Dad I forgot to tell you
That when you left
You took a part of my heart
And I will never get it back

I don't know what its like in Heaven
Some people say we'll meet up there
But to be honest
I have a hard time believing that
The idea that you are gone
And I will never see you again
Is difficult enough for me to face
But the concept of meeting you in Heaven
Is just so hard for me to grasp

I'm sorry dad
It's time for me to move on
I can't dwell on this forever
But in a way we will always be together
I will always be your daughter
You were a big part of my life
I can't deny that
And nobody can make me forget
I'll always be a daddy's girl

LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you would listen
Just for once
I wish I could tell you something
Without getting put down
Without getting yelled
Or criticized
Or told that i'm wasting my life

You wonder why I don't tell you things
But when I try
I only get shot down

Why do you listen to her so intently?
And support her in everything she does?
You speak nothing but good about her
Yet you never talk about me that way

I get really frustrated
I've tried to tell you before
But you don't listen
You never listen
I try to tell you what I'm up to
But do you even care?
Because when I try to tell you
You get so defensive
As soon as I start to talk
You are so convinced
That I'm failing at life

I couldn't stand the fighting anymore
So I moved out
I was so angry all the time
A few doors were broken in rage
I wish you would have just listened

It's been seven years
And you still don't get a fucking hint
Why the hell can't you just pay attention
To what is going on in MY life
I've had enough of your favoritism

I'm trying to remember
If things were like this before
Because from what I recall
You used to care a lot more

All you care about is my grades in school
And no matter how well I do
It's never good enough for you
The only things you want to talk about
Are the things that stress me out
You don't want to hear
About anything that interests me

I'm so fucking sick of this
I'm tired of being put down
Right in front of my face
I'm sick of you being so controlling
I'm sick of being blamed for everything
I'm sick of you being nice to people
And then criticizing them
When they leave the room
I'm sick of you judging my friends
I'm sick of you judging ME
Why can't you just accept me
For who I am!!!!!!
And for who I will become?!!!!

I'm DONE praying things will get better
I'm sick of the way you treat me
It's not my fault
And you need to realise that
I don't know what I have to do
Or what I have to say
To get you to listen to me

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!


I wrote this one in April 2009 as well. One of the more angry ones.

Storm

I used to be scared of storms

The thunder and lightning scared me
I just wanted to hide
But you always came and held me
I cried out when you carried me outside
I didnt understand how watching the storm
Was going to help me be less scared

Time after time
Storm after storm
You carried me outside
To watch the storm

Night after night
You carried me out
To watch the rain
Or the storm
And without fail
I fell asleep in your arms

Over the years
I became less scared
And I grew to like them

Everytime it rained or stormed
I knew where to find you
Out on the front porch
Because I was usually there too

It became our thing
Something we could love
Our fascination
Our bonding time

The smell of rain
So refreshing
And the lightning bolts
A sure wonder of nature
Striking without warning
Followed by the thunder
Shaking the house
Sure to wake
Any small child
From the soundest sleep

I don't understand why
People think storms are bad
Why people think storms are evil
Because I think they are amazing
Beautiful and fascinating
And I look forward to every storm

Every time a storm hits
You know where to find me
I'll be alone
But I'll be watching the rain
Like we used to do

Scars remain

Some scars have faded away
Yet others remain bright as day
Reminding me of the pain
And the trials of my past

The hurt is done
But the scars remain
Reminding me of the obstacles
I've overcome
And of who I have become

Time will heal all pain
But scars will remain


The meaning behind this poem is pretty obvious. Its about the scars from cutting. I could point to one scar on my body and tell you what was bothering me at the time, and what led me to cut myself. This one was also from April 2009.

Broken glass

Broken glass
Shattered into a million pieces
It would take a miracle
To put it back together

Broken mirror
Reflecting who you are
Yet reminding you
Of who you used to be

Broken mirror
Broken reflection
You are broken
On the outside
But that's not who you are
There is so much more

We are the broken
Miracles happen

This is another poem written in April 2009. Just a short one describing how I felt at the time. I feel like that a lot. Some of my inspiration for this poem MAY have come from the song "Breathe no more" by Evanescence. But I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. I love that song.

Who I am

Sometimes I want to get away
Get away from the person who I've become

Some days I wish
I could be someone else

I wish people would accept me
Just for who I am
Instead of trying to change me

Some days I can't stand to look in the mirror
It's what's inside that counts
But that's what I want to change most

I get shot down for being myself
And hated for trying to be someone else
What do you guys want from me?

You more people would like me
If I acted differently
But why can't they just like me
For being who I was meant to be?


This is another poem written in April 2009. Pretty much like the last one.

Somewhere far away

I just want to get out of here
Move somewhere far away
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my past

I can't stand this place any more
I want to start over
I am sick of all the memories
This place brings up

I want to get out
And leave behind
Those who have caused me pain

You say you'd miss me
But why would you?
You don't pay attention to me now
You wouldn't even notice if I was gone

I just want to start again
Where nobody knows me
I want to let go of the past
And never come back

Don't pretend to care
I know you don't
You never did
So you can stop lying now
Stop lying to me
And stop lying to yourself

I can't get you out of my life
It's people like you
I need to get away from
Don't try to follow me
I will just run faster

I want to pack up my stuff and leave
And when I do I won't look back
I will never look back

Don't pretend you miss me
The way you pretended
That you were my friend
I won't miss you
So don't waste your time

I have been stuck
In this city so long
I can't take it anymore
I need to get away
And I'm not looking back


I wrote this poem in April 2009, but I'm just posting it now because I didn't have a blog then. It pretty much describes how I feel almost all the time.