Thoughts

Okay so I haven't written here in far too long. My mind is just so full right now. It's like if I have one more thought, my head will explode. So this blog post is not gonna make sense but I'm just going to write every thought I have as it comes through my mind. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this.

I really just want to cuddle with someone right now. I need to be held. I just want to hold on to Jay, or Mercy, or Joann....and just be held and not let go for a long time.

Why hasn't she talked to me in so long? I mean, I get that she's busy but couldn't she maybe call me back once in awhile or answer my calls or something?

I can't believe it came to this point. I hate you and hope you burn in hell. You can stop faking. Stop pretending you care what I'm doing with my life. Because you are a bitch. Why am I having such a problem being a bitch back to you? I have no reason to be nice to you. YOU are the reason I quit my job...the reason I lost the chance at having a career there. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You humiliated me. You killed my reputation, and none of the stuff you told people about me is true. But you know what??? It doesn't fucking matter. Because you know how many people believe you and not me? Because of you and your bullshit lies everyone thinks I'm a bad employee.

Also because of you, and because of my mom and everyone else in the past, people can tell I've been picked on. I always think I'm in trouble. It's fucked up.

And yeah, I guess I'm blaming people for my problems here, but I really just need to rant.

Joann might have to move away....and I understand why. But AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH she's my only good friend here. The one I can trust and can tell anything.

My body is disgusting. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the fastest way to lose 10lbs?????? You don't understand. Nobody understands. I need to lose it NOW.

Why can't I just be me around you? And WHAT THE FUCK is your problem??????

I want to get high so I can forget about all this....and for just a few hours I can just be. Just float through life without knowing what I'm doing.

You said that if you'd known CPR, it wouldn't have even helped. But you know what? You are so full of shit. You could have taken him to the hospital. COMMON FUCKING SENSE. And dad, what were you thinking?!?!?!?! Don't deny a heart attack. That's just stupid. Okay yeah you were probably scared. But fuck. Now you are dead. The suck it up and be a man thing doesn't really apply when you are having a heart attack.

It's okay you're not actually dead, you are just....on a long business trip in somewhere where they have no phones....or something like that. I get so convinced sometimes dad, that you are not ACTUALLY dead. I have dreams that you died. And then I wake up and I'm so scared that it's true. And then this voice in my head says "no he's not dead," because it's easier that way. But you are, I know it.

Mom's never gonna change. Those ashes are staying in the closet until she dies. And then you know what????We'll have to bury you both at the same time and I'll have to go through this all AGAIN. It's so fucked up.

I need you. Please hold me forever and don't ever leave me. I'm scared. Please come home and never leave again. One day when you leave it could be the last time and I will never see you again. Just come home and hold me and don't let anything bad happen. I don't know why I am scared but I am.

Dear Cameo

Cameo ~
I went to your funeral in December, and I saw the pictures, I saw the news. But somehow I still can't believe you are really dead. I mean....this kind of thing is just not supposed to happen. We weren't that close but we used to be. We went to school for 12 years together. At our 10 year reunion or whatever comes first, there will be one less frenchie.
Karin

DEATH, ASHES, AND FUNERALS

So Wednesday was the day of the funeral. It was hard. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say. There were so many people they couldn't all fit in the room at the funeral home. So the rest of the people had to go in the reception hall, and LISTEN to the funeral on the speakers.

That night I straight out asked my mom what she'd done with my dad's ashes......in the closet, as I suspected. But WHY?!?!?!HOW!?!?! She said "it's just so horrible Karin." You know whats just as horrible if not more horrible than his death??? Its the fact that SHE just fucking shoved his ashes a closet for 7 and a half years!!!! Come on she had 2 funerals for him. Normally they are to commemorate the life of someone. But if she cared so much about him to have 2 funerals for him, how could she just shove his ashes in a closet for almost 8 years?!?!?!? I told her this. She laughed at me. He would not have wanted that. Every time we go to North Dakota, we visit Grandpa's grave, because we loved him. But what's left of my dad just gets shoved in a closet. What kind of respect is that? You never cared about how I felt about any of this mom. I love you but I HATE YOU FOR THIS.

Oh by the way, for those of you who actually CARE about my wishes, (aka NOT my mom), when I die I want to be buried NOT cremated. And I DON'T want to be buried in Edmonton. Because I was born here, and I definitely don't want to be buried here because I hate it here. When I told that to my mom she screamed at me and told me not to talk that way. And SHE is the one hiding her husband's ashes in the closet for years and not caring how her children feel about that. SELFISH BITCH!!!!!! I am sorry but I just need to let these emotions out.

"I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, WHY DO I LOVE YOU?!?!?!?!" - That one line from the song "I hate everything about you," by Three Days Grace, pretty much describes how I feel in regards to this situation with my mom. But only that line, not the rest of the song, since the song is about sex.

TODAY

Ok I don't even know what to say here. My head is full of so much right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with this morning. So I got up at 6:30 to study after going to bed at 1:30 - was up late studying. Okay so I had to work this morning. So I was just working as usual. At one point, Ede (aka "Mom") had a question and I was headed upstairs to find the answer to her question. But I got sidetracked by a page for me to call 205. But I asked Jag and Roland the answer to Mom's question on the way downstairs. Jag and Roland were BOTH in the warehouse and gave me the same answer. I got distracted by about 5 different customer questions on my way to the bakery. So by the time I got back there it was about half an hour later. I went to answer mom's question. And Jag was there. I told mom the answer and she said "NO THATS WRONG. " I replied that that is what Jag had told me. And Jag totally freaked out at me. "GET BACK TO WORK KARIN AND STOP WASTING TIME. STOP ASKING SO MANY MANAGERS THE SAME QUESTION. JUST STOP WASTING TIME." I was ANSWERING a question not ASKING it. Then I got in trouble with Mike later because I was doing something inefficiently. At one point I realised I had no clue where the rest of the team members from my department were missing. They had gone for break without inviting me. Later when I mentioned it to them, they all laughed at me. But I was hurt, and it didn't seem funny to me at all. Besides that Tekala was being a really bitch to me today. All the while, my urges to cut were getting worse. I kept distracting myself. I told myself that maybe the Christmas party would cheer me up a bit. But no not really. Just put on my smile as usual and pretended to be as happy as I acted. I am really hurting and I feel like nobody really understands. And Cameo's death is bringing back some strong memories from my Dad's death. At one point during the party, the urges to cut got really bad. I was desperate, and I couldn't really just go ahead and cut because everyone was around and they would notice. I begged and begged John for a cigarette and I knew Joann wouldn't let me have one. He finally caved and let me have the half smoke left in his pocket. Or I took it out of his hand. I think Joann was pretty disappointed. She doesn't want me to get into smoking because she is addicted.

Oh by the way I hate my body. I realised my blouse that I wore tonight makes me look chubby. GROSS! I need to lose a few pounds.

I didn't think that she was actually mad at me until I got home. Joann had promised me a ride. She left as soon as the party was over. And didn't even say bye. I got a ride with Roland's fiance. I texted Joann when I got home but no response. I don't know what's going on.

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!

How could this happen?!?!?!?!?!

Things like this are just not supposed to happen. I saw her every day in elementary school, junior high and high school. Then we graduate and go our separate ways. And she DIES?!?!?! WHY!?!?!?! 19 years old....Fucking icy roads....Fucking weather... There was no alcohol involved and speed was not a factor. I just don't get it. I read things like this in the paper all the time. But I never think it will be someone I know. This time it was. Holy shit I still just can't even believe this is true. Still trying to process this. Cameo is dead. Cameo is dead. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say right now. I'm in shock. I don't want this to be true. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/alberta/2009/12/11/12129156.html
http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/edmonton/2009/12/11/12117771-sun.html
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/life/Edmonton+crash+victim+friendly+full+faith/2331846/story.html
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/Woman+dies+Yellowhead+crash/2326011/story.html

25 days

Today I had my first counselling appointment in almost 3 months. I saw a new psychologist. A problem I often have with therapists is that I tend to shut down and avoid talking about what I need to discuss. This continues....sometimes for months...and progress it not made. I guess that is my coping mechanism. But it is time to deal with my issues. I was talking to Mercy about this problem and she said I should tell the therapist this right away. So I did, and I'm glad. The therapist is awesome. We are going to develop a relapse prevention program. And then once I feel more secure in my recovery, we will start to deal with my trauma and hurt from my dad's death. And if it is triggering for me, we will step back and slow down. But yes, I know it will be hard. But FUCK it's been 7.5 years. It's about time I deal with this shit. DAD I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

It's almost the twenty third. The dreaded number 23. Carved into my wrist. I don't know why but I still get so worked up around that day.....or this month it could be from other stresses I have going on as well. Anyways, I'm still so fucking angry about that and I don't know how to make it better. So I decided to write about it.

I only remember seeing you in pain 3 times Dad. The first time was when you went snowboarding and collapsed when you got home. The second time was when you stepped on a bee in my room and it stung your foot. The third time was the last. You complained of neck pain for a whole day before you died. You complained of pain so rarely that when you did admit to being in pain, it was pretty bad. But you were always the tough guy. BUT DAD....that day, if you were in so much pain....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY didn't you do something about it?!?!??!?!?! You KNEW that your family had a history of heart disease....I HATE being angry with you. I just wish I understood. I was not angry with you for the longest time....it's just starting to come out now. I love you....I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! Were you trying to be a hero or what!?!?!?!

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry and tell you I loved you. Will I ever forgive myself? I watched you die. And I was scared so I ran and hid in the basement. I didn't do anything. I thought you'd be alright. I didn't know it was a fucking heart attack. I should have done CPR or SOMETHING!!!!!!! Or called 911.

Mom was just freaking out. I don't know what she did because like I said I ran downstairs. She knew you were in a lot of pain that day too. Why didn't she do something?????

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? I have been asking myself these questions over and over again for years. And yes I am going crazy over it. But I'm just not okay with this. I will never be okay with it. I need you dad. I'm really hurting right now.