Thoughts

Okay so I haven't written here in far too long. My mind is just so full right now. It's like if I have one more thought, my head will explode. So this blog post is not gonna make sense but I'm just going to write every thought I have as it comes through my mind. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this.

I really just want to cuddle with someone right now. I need to be held. I just want to hold on to Jay, or Mercy, or Joann....and just be held and not let go for a long time.

Why hasn't she talked to me in so long? I mean, I get that she's busy but couldn't she maybe call me back once in awhile or answer my calls or something?

I can't believe it came to this point. I hate you and hope you burn in hell. You can stop faking. Stop pretending you care what I'm doing with my life. Because you are a bitch. Why am I having such a problem being a bitch back to you? I have no reason to be nice to you. YOU are the reason I quit my job...the reason I lost the chance at having a career there. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You humiliated me. You killed my reputation, and none of the stuff you told people about me is true. But you know what??? It doesn't fucking matter. Because you know how many people believe you and not me? Because of you and your bullshit lies everyone thinks I'm a bad employee.

Also because of you, and because of my mom and everyone else in the past, people can tell I've been picked on. I always think I'm in trouble. It's fucked up.

And yeah, I guess I'm blaming people for my problems here, but I really just need to rant.

Joann might have to move away....and I understand why. But AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH she's my only good friend here. The one I can trust and can tell anything.

My body is disgusting. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the fastest way to lose 10lbs?????? You don't understand. Nobody understands. I need to lose it NOW.

Why can't I just be me around you? And WHAT THE FUCK is your problem??????

I want to get high so I can forget about all this....and for just a few hours I can just be. Just float through life without knowing what I'm doing.

You said that if you'd known CPR, it wouldn't have even helped. But you know what? You are so full of shit. You could have taken him to the hospital. COMMON FUCKING SENSE. And dad, what were you thinking?!?!?!?! Don't deny a heart attack. That's just stupid. Okay yeah you were probably scared. But fuck. Now you are dead. The suck it up and be a man thing doesn't really apply when you are having a heart attack.

It's okay you're not actually dead, you are just....on a long business trip in somewhere where they have no phones....or something like that. I get so convinced sometimes dad, that you are not ACTUALLY dead. I have dreams that you died. And then I wake up and I'm so scared that it's true. And then this voice in my head says "no he's not dead," because it's easier that way. But you are, I know it.

Mom's never gonna change. Those ashes are staying in the closet until she dies. And then you know what????We'll have to bury you both at the same time and I'll have to go through this all AGAIN. It's so fucked up.

I need you. Please hold me forever and don't ever leave me. I'm scared. Please come home and never leave again. One day when you leave it could be the last time and I will never see you again. Just come home and hold me and don't let anything bad happen. I don't know why I am scared but I am.

"I'd come for you"

Last night was the best new years eve I've had in years. I made a new friend, I ended up getting a second job lol, and I hung out with my best friend. But I also disappointed my other best friend. I went for a drink with Joann and Jim, and then we smoked a couple joints. And then I slept over at Matt's house and hung out with him. Here's the thing....I don't regret smoking weed because it was a learning opportunity (some might say a mistake....but you cannot make a mistake that you don't learn from....well you can but then you just make the mistake until you learn.) Mercy sounded pretty disappointed when I told her because she cares about me. I texted Joann and told her "I appreciate you sharing your culture with me and I understand your reasons for doing that. But smoking weed just isn't really my thing. I hope you understand." She said something like this in response: "Of course my dear. But whatever you choose for you, I want you to know you are awesome." That does not mean I will never smoke weed again. But I realise that I don't need to do that to fit in, I don't need to do it to be myself, and I don't need to do it to stop cutting. And I love Joann to death, weed or no weed. And I love Mercy too. If she had said "cool keep smoking weed. I'm proud of you" - that kinda reaction....That's not a very good friend. She's looking out for me and I need that. I don't want to get to the point where my life revolves around weed.....or around anything for that matter. And Joann is very understanding and supportive of me. Wow 2 best friends. I feel so loved.

Then today, I got a text from Rachel, the lady I tutor. She's 24 by the way. She invited me over to her place for games night this evening. HOW SWEET!!!!!!! All of a sudden all these people want to hang out with me.

This song is just so amazing. "I'd come for you" by Nickelback. This video does not have sound so you have to listen to the song in the background at the same time as the video plays. It broke my heart when I saw at the end of the movie that it was the dad that "would do anything for his daughter." It reminded me of my dad. Anyways, the point is, I could not stop playing the song. It was just so touching. I never realised it, but I DO have amazing friends who would do anything for me....who would come for me even if I was in big trouble....and who would greet me with open arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZ_829lAdc&feature=related

25 days

Today I had my first counselling appointment in almost 3 months. I saw a new psychologist. A problem I often have with therapists is that I tend to shut down and avoid talking about what I need to discuss. This continues....sometimes for months...and progress it not made. I guess that is my coping mechanism. But it is time to deal with my issues. I was talking to Mercy about this problem and she said I should tell the therapist this right away. So I did, and I'm glad. The therapist is awesome. We are going to develop a relapse prevention program. And then once I feel more secure in my recovery, we will start to deal with my trauma and hurt from my dad's death. And if it is triggering for me, we will step back and slow down. But yes, I know it will be hard. But FUCK it's been 7.5 years. It's about time I deal with this shit. DAD I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!

Not as bad as expected

So today is the 23rd - a perpetually evil number. A number that is an eternal reminder that my dad is gone. Not only April 23rd, but just the number 23 in general. But today was actually a pretty good day. I had a major breakdown 2 nights ago but Jrecov was awesome and he got me through the night. I just needed to be able to say "I am sad, I am hurting" and have someone say that that's okay for me to feel that way. Because as hard as it is to believe, I often get the response that it's NOT okay for me to feel that way. I also made a new friend named Polly Rose :)

I am happy right now. I just talked to Mercy for hours on end as usual. I am hoping to get to Europe in 2 years. I want to do a semester in France. It would be at a school in either Lille or Avignon. Then after that maybe I will work in Europe or else I will just travel. Anyways I wish I could see Mercy sooner but it doesn't look like that will happen. Lol I'll have to bring lots of chocolate syrup for her. It costs a lot to send but she's worth it :) But it takes sooooo long to get there.

Mercy and I had quite a conversation tonight....about how I feel like I can feel her pain....but she can't. It's rather complicated. I have never had anyone in my life who understands me as well as she does. Well...except for my dad. But that was different.

Anyways today was a pretty good day. The SMA meeting went well. And I talked to Mercy a bunch, which ALWAYS makes me happy. And on top of all of that, my friend actually texted me and asked me to go for coffee sometime this week. Unfortunately though, since we work totally opposite hours, at the same workplace, it's not going to work this week. Next week should be good though :) I don't remember the last time someone actually asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. And she actually sounds like she sincerely WANTS to spend time with me.

I've been sleeping well most nights lately. But I need eat more I think. But I AM eating so thats good right? So I have 22 days SI free today. So I'm pretty happy about that. Oh and I also made a deal last night with Jrecov....a no drinking deal. He has not had a single drink since he stopped using. Alcohol is not his addiction but he knows that if he were to drink now, he'd get addicted. I've been feeling that way too lately. I don't usually drink but in the past couple weeks, I have had a couple random drinks just because I felt like it and wanted....I don't know what I wanted. Okay I admit it...I was hurting and I could not cut. But if I drink for that reason, it will quickly spiral out of control and become a major problem. It's not a problem at this point but I could see it becoming a problem in the future.....So for now, I'm not allowed to drink AT ALL. And then in a month, we will re-evaluate the situation.

Okay it's almost 2 am so I should go to sleep lol

Awesome day

I had a great day. As usual, the day started with talking to Mercy. I love that girl so much. But I wish she was not so far away. BUT one day I will meet her in real life. Actually I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else in the world. It seems like lately i've been talking to her almost all day every day. I hope she's not getting sick of me. And then after class I went to the counselling office and switched to a new counsellor. I got an appointment booked for next week. I am still waiting to hear back from the recovery groups though. I really need to do this. I need to get more help. Last year I was a stubborn bitch and insisted I could do it all on my own. I made it up to 85 days without SI but have been relapsing since. Just goes to show that I do need help. I can't do it on my own. Mercy has helped me a lot since I joined the realm. And I feel like I can share anything with her and she won't ditch like everyone else has. And I have been attending online SMA meetings 1 - 3 times a week as well as the occasional speaker meeting or womens meeting, or any meeting really lol. I am getting less shy every time. I even found a sponsor today. Her name is Denise (Angie) and I met her on the realm. I am sad though because I was working on something I was gonna send to Mercy but I lost it. But its not like I'm gonna beat myself up over it. I just realised that I've been spending so much time on the computer...on the realm etc that I've been isolating myself even more from the "real world." Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

Overall the day was pretty good. I am so thankful for having people like Mercy and now Denise (Angie) in my life. Oh and there are so many more.....Hope, Dan, JRecov, Bob, Ross.

15 days SI free....still. For crying out loud, is it normal to count this like 20 times a day?!?!?!?! I mean I know I havent relapsed today so I know it hasn't changed. But it's like this compulsion of having to count it over and over again lol. I dunno I'm wierd like that I guess.

My first entry

This is my first entry in my blog. My first entry in ANY blog EVER. I'm trying to figure this thing out. I was pretty hesitant on starting this, but Mercy has one and its pretty cool. I thought I'd give it a try. I don't want the whole world to see this though. Just a few selected people. And you guys can comment if you want. I see that Mercy is my first follower. Which is pretty sweet.

I don't really know what to say. The next post will be more interesting. I promise.