New post - does anyone still read this?

Hello
So I figured after over a year I should post just for the hell of it. Whatever. Since this started out as my recovery blog, I guess I should update on that. I had a major relapse around September. Things got really bad (as they usually do). I was cutting until about February. I've burned and scratched myself a few times since then but no cutting. I guess that's an accomplishment. I have some crazy-ass scars on my right arm that are undeniably from SI. Other than that, I've moved out into my own place. NO ROOMMATES FINALLY!!!!! YAY :) I'm still struggling with the fact that Joann is gone and I haven't seen her in over a year. I miss her like crazy and even though she's still alive, I feel so alone. I hardly ever talk to her. On a more positive note, I'll be done school in December so that's exciting. On another note, I'm finally admitting to the world that yes, I am indeed bisexual! I've started dating women, have slept with two so far and it was great. I am looking forward to future opportunities. I have not, however, come out to my mom. Lol I'm sure that will not go over well.

I AM NOT OK

I am not okay. A part of me still feels shame in admitting that. Back when I lived with my mom, If I, say, did poorly on a test, I'd get yelled at and told I wasn't good enough or wasn't taking school seriously or was going to fail and not go to university. I would get yelled at all night and cry myself to sleep. As if I didnt feel bad enough about the test in the first place. And then if I got bad marks repeatedly, I'd get hauled off to a psychiatrist. It wasn't just school that I couldn't tell my mom about. It was everything. I hid a knee injury from her for a month for this very reason. It got to the point where I could hardly walk because it hurt so bad and was so swollen. But I still got in shit. And THAT is why I have had it drilled into my head that its not okay, to admit that I am not doing okay.

School isn't going well. I am sick of the bullshit going on at work. I want to cut myself.

TODAY

Ok I don't even know what to say here. My head is full of so much right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with this morning. So I got up at 6:30 to study after going to bed at 1:30 - was up late studying. Okay so I had to work this morning. So I was just working as usual. At one point, Ede (aka "Mom") had a question and I was headed upstairs to find the answer to her question. But I got sidetracked by a page for me to call 205. But I asked Jag and Roland the answer to Mom's question on the way downstairs. Jag and Roland were BOTH in the warehouse and gave me the same answer. I got distracted by about 5 different customer questions on my way to the bakery. So by the time I got back there it was about half an hour later. I went to answer mom's question. And Jag was there. I told mom the answer and she said "NO THATS WRONG. " I replied that that is what Jag had told me. And Jag totally freaked out at me. "GET BACK TO WORK KARIN AND STOP WASTING TIME. STOP ASKING SO MANY MANAGERS THE SAME QUESTION. JUST STOP WASTING TIME." I was ANSWERING a question not ASKING it. Then I got in trouble with Mike later because I was doing something inefficiently. At one point I realised I had no clue where the rest of the team members from my department were missing. They had gone for break without inviting me. Later when I mentioned it to them, they all laughed at me. But I was hurt, and it didn't seem funny to me at all. Besides that Tekala was being a really bitch to me today. All the while, my urges to cut were getting worse. I kept distracting myself. I told myself that maybe the Christmas party would cheer me up a bit. But no not really. Just put on my smile as usual and pretended to be as happy as I acted. I am really hurting and I feel like nobody really understands. And Cameo's death is bringing back some strong memories from my Dad's death. At one point during the party, the urges to cut got really bad. I was desperate, and I couldn't really just go ahead and cut because everyone was around and they would notice. I begged and begged John for a cigarette and I knew Joann wouldn't let me have one. He finally caved and let me have the half smoke left in his pocket. Or I took it out of his hand. I think Joann was pretty disappointed. She doesn't want me to get into smoking because she is addicted.

Oh by the way I hate my body. I realised my blouse that I wore tonight makes me look chubby. GROSS! I need to lose a few pounds.

I didn't think that she was actually mad at me until I got home. Joann had promised me a ride. She left as soon as the party was over. And didn't even say bye. I got a ride with Roland's fiance. I texted Joann when I got home but no response. I don't know what's going on.

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!

CRAVINGS....

I am having THE WORST food cravings today. I ate half a box of crackers and I was craving ice cream so bad I ran to McDonalds and got a McFlurry. Yes I know that's an expensive way of doing it but I feel so out of control....if I bought a tub of ice cream I'd probably eat it all today. It's gotten to the point where if I'm craving something, and the store is closed, I will steal it from my roommates. Okay well technically it's not stealing because I will replace it before they notice. But still....that's pretty desperate. The cravings have gotten worse, not better. I am starting to gain a little bit of weight too. UGH.

I am going to my mom's house this evening. Major trigger for me, but its family.....I can't just NOT talk to them. Besides I want to see my sister. I love her tons and haven't seen her in.....2 weeks? Anyways its not like I have to stay there long.

OH and I got 90% on my education essay with totally counterbalances (i think that's the word) my midterm mark which i think was 47%. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 days SI free