My Obsessions

MY OBSESSIONS

• My scars
• Weighing myself (yeah like 10 times a day)
• I never take the first item at the store, I always go for the one behind it.
• I never pee in the first bathroom stall.
• I refuse to eat anything that looks, smells, or tastes wierd. It freaks me out
• Okay clearly there are like a bazillion more.....I'll add to this list later....maybe.
• Saying goodbye. Okay....goodbyes suck but it's worse when you don't get to say goodbye and then you never see the person again. So yeah, I kinda freak out a bit if I don't get to say goodbye to someone.

Just a post

I'm sorry Kayleigh I broke my promise of writing every week.

I stopped my adhd meds almost 2 weeks ago now, and it's going great. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. Denise - I know I should see my doctor, but I don't want to. This is my choice. I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to see a doctor, I don't want to talk about it.

My eating, on the other hand, is...well...not right. I'm eating more than usual. I get extremely strong cravings for sweets like chocolate and candy. Which is normal for me. I eat it, but then feel really guilty about it. But instead of starving myself, I keep eating it. It tortures me. I am torturing myself. But if I don't eat, that's torturing myself too. I need some self control. But not too much. Ugh. Does this even make sense? Frick. Yes, I've gained some weight. I hate it hate it hate it. Only a few pounds but it makes a difference. I frickin look like about 2-3 months pregnant. But its the last week of classes. I have a couple big papers due in the next week. I don't have a whole lot of time to work out. But in a week, I have to work it off. I can't let myself gain anymore weight. I have eaten so much chocolate this past couple days that its gross. Frick! It is ridiculous and not healthy.

I'm also been having obsessions with my scars. I stare at them multiple times a day, I admire them. Man, I'm fucked up. I LIKE my scars, I don't want to get rid of them. But it's more than that. I'm OBSESSED with my scars.

Ok...thats enough for today.....

Quiz thingy

Okay I totally stole this off Kayleigh's blog but it looked like fun so I wanted to try it.

YOUR BOY SIDE
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats. (um....i love cats but possibly slightly allergic...i'm torn)
[] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] Shopping is torture (depends on the day or what i'm being)
[] Sad movies suck.
[] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[] You owned a video game console.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice. (GRRRRRR.....non applicable?)
[x] You own like a trillion baseball caps. (well okay...not THAT many lol)
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool/comfortable to wear
[x] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] Sports are fun
[] You talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once.

So According to this, i'm totally manly lol. Pretty accurate so far.


YOUR GIRL SIDE
[x] You love to shop. (Well yes, if i'm buying bike parts or tools)
[x] You have worn eyeliner
[] You wear the color pink.
[] You go to your mom to talk.
[x] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like going to the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] You cried watching The Notebook.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[x]You are/were in gymnastics
[] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, etc
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on others.
[] You like being the star of everything.
[] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Ummmm....wow....according to this i'm not really a girl. Lol.

• Appearance •
[ ] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I’ve had braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry. [x] I’ve snorted while laughing. (Come on who hasnt? lol)
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x ] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •
[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[] Broken a bone.
[] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
x]I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •
[x] I’ve driven / ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
[] I’ve been to Cuba.
[x] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[x] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[x] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.
[] I’ve been to Florida.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[] I've been to Africa

• Experiences •
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] I’ve been to a casino.
[] I’ve been skydiving.
[] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[x] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding

• Relationships •
[x] I’m single.
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I'm not sure what it is.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I miss someone right now.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

• Honesty / Crime •
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[] I’ve been arrested.
WHO HASN'T done most of those though lol?

• Death and Suicide •
[] I’m afraid of dying.
[x]I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[x] Ive planned my own suicide before.
[] I’ve written a eulogy for myself. (not really sure how to write one lol)

• Materialism •
[] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[] I have an obsession with anime / manga.
[] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece. (Hell no)
[] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x]I own something I got on E-Bay.
[] I own something from Abercrombie

• Random •
[] I can sing well.
[] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily
[] I watch the news.
[x]I don’t kill bugs
[x]I sing in the shower. (who in their right mind doesnt lol?)
[] I am a morning person. (Hell no....i am a GOING TO BED in the early morning person)
[x]I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl/play with my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[] I love spam.
[] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x]I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x]I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[] I’m good at remembering faces.
[] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

I AM NOT OK

I am not okay. A part of me still feels shame in admitting that. Back when I lived with my mom, If I, say, did poorly on a test, I'd get yelled at and told I wasn't good enough or wasn't taking school seriously or was going to fail and not go to university. I would get yelled at all night and cry myself to sleep. As if I didnt feel bad enough about the test in the first place. And then if I got bad marks repeatedly, I'd get hauled off to a psychiatrist. It wasn't just school that I couldn't tell my mom about. It was everything. I hid a knee injury from her for a month for this very reason. It got to the point where I could hardly walk because it hurt so bad and was so swollen. But I still got in shit. And THAT is why I have had it drilled into my head that its not okay, to admit that I am not doing okay.

School isn't going well. I am sick of the bullshit going on at work. I want to cut myself.

Just a picture of me and Joann

This is a picture of Joann, who I have mentioned so much on here lol.

Lab rat

I am sick of being treated like a lab rat!!!!!

AGE SIX
I was diagnosed with ADHD, after being forced to go to a multitude of doctors and specialists. I was put on medication and taken to the psychiatrist EVERY WEEK.

BETWEEN AGE SIX AND TWELVE
My mom worked weekends for a few years back then. My dad would sometimes take me off my meds on the weekends. My mom would "notice" and get mad. My dad always said I'd probably eventually not need the medications anymore. He listened to me.

AGE TWELVE
I was 12 when my dad died. Thats when the fighting started. I remember one fight with my mom very distinctly. It was around May 9th. She was yelling at me about something or other. Something stupid. And I was so distraught. I locked myself in the bathroom so she couldn't hurt me. She kept screaming. I couldn't handle it anymore and I yelled back. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!?! JUST LISTEN?!?!?!" I punched the door. I'd done this before, but this time, to my shock, I'd broken TWO holes in the door. But she still wouldn't listen. And my grandma and mom were like, "wow girl, you got a problem." So guess who got sent to see the school counsellor that day? Well at least someone listened.

AGES TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN
She never did listen. All those years. The fighting continued. Sometimes just screaming, but sometimes physical. Sometimes during a fight, she'd yell at me "did you take your pill today?" That hurt A LOT. I had taken my meds. I always did. But she acted as though thats all I was worth....some damn pill. Or we'd be arguing and she'd storm into the kitchen, grab my medication and yell "here, it is time for you to take this." I never got a choice.

AGE SEVENTEEN
Grade 12. The year of the breakdown. I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. I couldn't focus because i was so anxious all the time, I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't sleep hardly at all. And when I did, it was a restless sleep. I was so depressed but I didnt usually let it show. But at that moment, I could not hold it inside me anymore. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I burst into tears and let it all (well some of it) out. I told him I was having anxiety problems. My grades in school had dropped quite a bit. When my mother found out, I was sent to a shrink to increase my meds. I told her I was feeling anxious all the time. My mom blamed it on me. I couldn't tell the doctor everything because my mom was sitting right next to me. The doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety. My mom wouldn't even LISTEN to what she had to say. I got yelled at all the way back to school. That night when I tried to talk to her about it again and I got screamed at and screamed at and screamed at "YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MORE DRUGS. AND ATTENTION. YOU JUST WANT DRUGS AND ATTENTION." She slammed her door and I heard her screaming to herself.

NOW
I am sick of this. I don't want to take these drugs any more. I don't know what I want really. I just....UGH. I'm more than just some ADD kid you know? And those medications DO have side effects. She never bothered to care how they made me feel as long as they worked. Sometimes I just don't take them. I just want the hurt to stop.

Dear Cameo

Cameo ~
I went to your funeral in December, and I saw the pictures, I saw the news. But somehow I still can't believe you are really dead. I mean....this kind of thing is just not supposed to happen. We weren't that close but we used to be. We went to school for 12 years together. At our 10 year reunion or whatever comes first, there will be one less frenchie.
Karin

"I'd come for you"

Last night was the best new years eve I've had in years. I made a new friend, I ended up getting a second job lol, and I hung out with my best friend. But I also disappointed my other best friend. I went for a drink with Joann and Jim, and then we smoked a couple joints. And then I slept over at Matt's house and hung out with him. Here's the thing....I don't regret smoking weed because it was a learning opportunity (some might say a mistake....but you cannot make a mistake that you don't learn from....well you can but then you just make the mistake until you learn.) Mercy sounded pretty disappointed when I told her because she cares about me. I texted Joann and told her "I appreciate you sharing your culture with me and I understand your reasons for doing that. But smoking weed just isn't really my thing. I hope you understand." She said something like this in response: "Of course my dear. But whatever you choose for you, I want you to know you are awesome." That does not mean I will never smoke weed again. But I realise that I don't need to do that to fit in, I don't need to do it to be myself, and I don't need to do it to stop cutting. And I love Joann to death, weed or no weed. And I love Mercy too. If she had said "cool keep smoking weed. I'm proud of you" - that kinda reaction....That's not a very good friend. She's looking out for me and I need that. I don't want to get to the point where my life revolves around weed.....or around anything for that matter. And Joann is very understanding and supportive of me. Wow 2 best friends. I feel so loved.

Then today, I got a text from Rachel, the lady I tutor. She's 24 by the way. She invited me over to her place for games night this evening. HOW SWEET!!!!!!! All of a sudden all these people want to hang out with me.

This song is just so amazing. "I'd come for you" by Nickelback. This video does not have sound so you have to listen to the song in the background at the same time as the video plays. It broke my heart when I saw at the end of the movie that it was the dad that "would do anything for his daughter." It reminded me of my dad. Anyways, the point is, I could not stop playing the song. It was just so touching. I never realised it, but I DO have amazing friends who would do anything for me....who would come for me even if I was in big trouble....and who would greet me with open arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZ_829lAdc&feature=related

Just an update

Ok so I've been slacking off lately on the blogging. Lots happened. Last week, I reached my breaking point with work, and had a massive fight with Joann which was really just a misunderstanding. It's all resolved now, and I'm transferring to a different store ASAP. I don't want to explain details. I've just had enough.

DEATH, ASHES, AND FUNERALS

So Wednesday was the day of the funeral. It was hard. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say. There were so many people they couldn't all fit in the room at the funeral home. So the rest of the people had to go in the reception hall, and LISTEN to the funeral on the speakers.

That night I straight out asked my mom what she'd done with my dad's ashes......in the closet, as I suspected. But WHY?!?!?!HOW!?!?! She said "it's just so horrible Karin." You know whats just as horrible if not more horrible than his death??? Its the fact that SHE just fucking shoved his ashes a closet for 7 and a half years!!!! Come on she had 2 funerals for him. Normally they are to commemorate the life of someone. But if she cared so much about him to have 2 funerals for him, how could she just shove his ashes in a closet for almost 8 years?!?!?!? I told her this. She laughed at me. He would not have wanted that. Every time we go to North Dakota, we visit Grandpa's grave, because we loved him. But what's left of my dad just gets shoved in a closet. What kind of respect is that? You never cared about how I felt about any of this mom. I love you but I HATE YOU FOR THIS.

Oh by the way, for those of you who actually CARE about my wishes, (aka NOT my mom), when I die I want to be buried NOT cremated. And I DON'T want to be buried in Edmonton. Because I was born here, and I definitely don't want to be buried here because I hate it here. When I told that to my mom she screamed at me and told me not to talk that way. And SHE is the one hiding her husband's ashes in the closet for years and not caring how her children feel about that. SELFISH BITCH!!!!!! I am sorry but I just need to let these emotions out.

"I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, WHY DO I LOVE YOU?!?!?!?!" - That one line from the song "I hate everything about you," by Three Days Grace, pretty much describes how I feel in regards to this situation with my mom. But only that line, not the rest of the song, since the song is about sex.

One more thing that I forgot to mention

"I'M BROKEN WHEN I'M LONESOME, AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE GONE AWAY."
- "Broken" ~ Seether and Amy Lee

You left and you took a part of my heart with you and I will NEVER EVER feel the same without that piece. People say to just suck it up. That only makes me feel more alone. Why do they minimize my pain? Will this hurting ever stop? Will it get better or will it always hurt this much? I want to move on. But I feel stuck. DAD I miss you.

"Broken" by Amy Lee and Seether
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxl6HGBbh1s&feature=related

DO I HAVE TO SCREAM FOR YOU TO HEAR ME? DO I HAVE TO BLEED FOR YOU TO SEE ME?

The title of this blog entry comes from the ZoeGirl song "Scream." The first half of the song entirely describes how I feel today. I cut myself several times today after more than 40 days SI free. I am hurting so much inside right now. What does it take for people to see that and to care? I should not have to scream. They should see it in my eyes. Do they have see the blood or the scars or the cuts just to know how much my heart is hurting? I don't cut to get attention. Its just my release. I want my dad. There is one thing I need right now more than anything. I just wish I had someone here to hold me. Not just a "See ya later bud" kind of hug....but something more than that.....An embrace that says what words cannot say....."I love you and I understand. I am here." There is just so much power in human touch. Something that you don't get from words. I feel so alone. I don't want to be selfish. I just want to be held. Well I guess I will go cuddle with my teddy bear. Okay I'm crying again. I'm sick of the lies and the impulses and everything. My roommate knocked on my door today when I was self injuring. I panicked a little bit and said "just a minute I'm putting on my pajamas." So I whipped on a hoodie so she wouldn't see what I'd done.
Oh my gosh what have I done. I didn't feel guilty all day until just this instant. When I have kids they are inevitably going to ask me why I have writing all over my arms. Not just cuts, there are words carved in there too. I hope that Mercy and Denise won't be mad. I hope they still talk to me and don't hate me. I am sorry.

Zoegirl "Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv_iLANNRFg&feature=related

TODAY

Ok I don't even know what to say here. My head is full of so much right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with this morning. So I got up at 6:30 to study after going to bed at 1:30 - was up late studying. Okay so I had to work this morning. So I was just working as usual. At one point, Ede (aka "Mom") had a question and I was headed upstairs to find the answer to her question. But I got sidetracked by a page for me to call 205. But I asked Jag and Roland the answer to Mom's question on the way downstairs. Jag and Roland were BOTH in the warehouse and gave me the same answer. I got distracted by about 5 different customer questions on my way to the bakery. So by the time I got back there it was about half an hour later. I went to answer mom's question. And Jag was there. I told mom the answer and she said "NO THATS WRONG. " I replied that that is what Jag had told me. And Jag totally freaked out at me. "GET BACK TO WORK KARIN AND STOP WASTING TIME. STOP ASKING SO MANY MANAGERS THE SAME QUESTION. JUST STOP WASTING TIME." I was ANSWERING a question not ASKING it. Then I got in trouble with Mike later because I was doing something inefficiently. At one point I realised I had no clue where the rest of the team members from my department were missing. They had gone for break without inviting me. Later when I mentioned it to them, they all laughed at me. But I was hurt, and it didn't seem funny to me at all. Besides that Tekala was being a really bitch to me today. All the while, my urges to cut were getting worse. I kept distracting myself. I told myself that maybe the Christmas party would cheer me up a bit. But no not really. Just put on my smile as usual and pretended to be as happy as I acted. I am really hurting and I feel like nobody really understands. And Cameo's death is bringing back some strong memories from my Dad's death. At one point during the party, the urges to cut got really bad. I was desperate, and I couldn't really just go ahead and cut because everyone was around and they would notice. I begged and begged John for a cigarette and I knew Joann wouldn't let me have one. He finally caved and let me have the half smoke left in his pocket. Or I took it out of his hand. I think Joann was pretty disappointed. She doesn't want me to get into smoking because she is addicted.

Oh by the way I hate my body. I realised my blouse that I wore tonight makes me look chubby. GROSS! I need to lose a few pounds.

I didn't think that she was actually mad at me until I got home. Joann had promised me a ride. She left as soon as the party was over. And didn't even say bye. I got a ride with Roland's fiance. I texted Joann when I got home but no response. I don't know what's going on.

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!

How could this happen?!?!?!?!?!

Things like this are just not supposed to happen. I saw her every day in elementary school, junior high and high school. Then we graduate and go our separate ways. And she DIES?!?!?! WHY!?!?!?! 19 years old....Fucking icy roads....Fucking weather... There was no alcohol involved and speed was not a factor. I just don't get it. I read things like this in the paper all the time. But I never think it will be someone I know. This time it was. Holy shit I still just can't even believe this is true. Still trying to process this. Cameo is dead. Cameo is dead. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say right now. I'm in shock. I don't want this to be true. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/alberta/2009/12/11/12129156.html
http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/edmonton/2009/12/11/12117771-sun.html
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/life/Edmonton+crash+victim+friendly+full+faith/2331846/story.html
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/Woman+dies+Yellowhead+crash/2326011/story.html

Little girl

Little girl,
So pretty,
So serene.

Your face,
Flawless like porcelain.
Your lips,
Smooth to the touch.

You are beautiful,
So pure and innocent,
A little angel.

You lie there,
So still and calm,
Like a doll.

BUT WAIT

Something is just not right.
What is that glimmer of sadness
In the corner of your eye?

You are a child
Why are you not playful and free?
You lie there alone,
Your body stiff as stone.

What is this fear
That you are hiding inside?
Because it is clear
That you are terrified.

Who has done this
To the little girl?
A part of her has died.

Little girl,
I wish you could tell me
Who has taken your right to choice.
But you can't
Because he has taken away your voice.

Selfish and Jealous

I feel really selfish today. I feel that it's wrong but I am going to write about it anyway because I need to get it off my chest.

So my roommate broke up with her boyfriend 3 days ago. Yeah okay I can see how that would be hard but come on...do you really need to be surrounded by friends 24/7 for 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that it's even my business, but it seems a bit much. I admit I am kind of jealous. I have had lots of shit happen in my life, and I didn't have that kind of support. At one point I was suicidal and I had no friends to speak of. I got through it. Fuck Julia, when my dad DIED, I didn't need to be surrounded be friends constantly. I mean isn't that a bit needy?!?!? Its not like Kevin died. I'd probably have different views on this if you weren't such a BITCH to me. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of it!!!!!!!!!!! I am sick of being told you don't want to talk and then I hear you laughing and talking to your friend in the room next to mine. I say three words and thats too much for you though. I'm so fucking tired of this Julia!!!!!!! I am sick of being treated like shit. You don't treat your friends like this. WTF!!!!!!!! I am sick of sitting in my room alone because you don't want me around, and all the while hearing you having fun with Laura. It hurts, you know. But you probably don't give a fuck. You are so self absorbed.

Why do I hold on?

Why do I hold on?
I feel nothing but hurt
Overcome with anger
Towards what I no longer have

Why do I hold on?
I know you don't care
But you once did

It hurts so much
I want to scream
I want to dig my fingers
Into your flesh
And make you bleed
So you can see
How much it hurts

I want to carve up
My own wrist
So you can see
My pain
But would you care?

Why do I hold on?
Such a meaningless relationship
Doing more harm than good
But do you even see that????

I just want to scream
You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what good would that do?
You don't listen
You don't care

Why do I still hold on?

25 days

Today I had my first counselling appointment in almost 3 months. I saw a new psychologist. A problem I often have with therapists is that I tend to shut down and avoid talking about what I need to discuss. This continues....sometimes for months...and progress it not made. I guess that is my coping mechanism. But it is time to deal with my issues. I was talking to Mercy about this problem and she said I should tell the therapist this right away. So I did, and I'm glad. The therapist is awesome. We are going to develop a relapse prevention program. And then once I feel more secure in my recovery, we will start to deal with my trauma and hurt from my dad's death. And if it is triggering for me, we will step back and slow down. But yes, I know it will be hard. But FUCK it's been 7.5 years. It's about time I deal with this shit. DAD I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!

CRAVINGS....

I am having THE WORST food cravings today. I ate half a box of crackers and I was craving ice cream so bad I ran to McDonalds and got a McFlurry. Yes I know that's an expensive way of doing it but I feel so out of control....if I bought a tub of ice cream I'd probably eat it all today. It's gotten to the point where if I'm craving something, and the store is closed, I will steal it from my roommates. Okay well technically it's not stealing because I will replace it before they notice. But still....that's pretty desperate. The cravings have gotten worse, not better. I am starting to gain a little bit of weight too. UGH.

I am going to my mom's house this evening. Major trigger for me, but its family.....I can't just NOT talk to them. Besides I want to see my sister. I love her tons and haven't seen her in.....2 weeks? Anyways its not like I have to stay there long.

OH and I got 90% on my education essay with totally counterbalances (i think that's the word) my midterm mark which i think was 47%. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 days SI free

Not as bad as expected

So today is the 23rd - a perpetually evil number. A number that is an eternal reminder that my dad is gone. Not only April 23rd, but just the number 23 in general. But today was actually a pretty good day. I had a major breakdown 2 nights ago but Jrecov was awesome and he got me through the night. I just needed to be able to say "I am sad, I am hurting" and have someone say that that's okay for me to feel that way. Because as hard as it is to believe, I often get the response that it's NOT okay for me to feel that way. I also made a new friend named Polly Rose :)

I am happy right now. I just talked to Mercy for hours on end as usual. I am hoping to get to Europe in 2 years. I want to do a semester in France. It would be at a school in either Lille or Avignon. Then after that maybe I will work in Europe or else I will just travel. Anyways I wish I could see Mercy sooner but it doesn't look like that will happen. Lol I'll have to bring lots of chocolate syrup for her. It costs a lot to send but she's worth it :) But it takes sooooo long to get there.

Mercy and I had quite a conversation tonight....about how I feel like I can feel her pain....but she can't. It's rather complicated. I have never had anyone in my life who understands me as well as she does. Well...except for my dad. But that was different.

Anyways today was a pretty good day. The SMA meeting went well. And I talked to Mercy a bunch, which ALWAYS makes me happy. And on top of all of that, my friend actually texted me and asked me to go for coffee sometime this week. Unfortunately though, since we work totally opposite hours, at the same workplace, it's not going to work this week. Next week should be good though :) I don't remember the last time someone actually asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. And she actually sounds like she sincerely WANTS to spend time with me.

I've been sleeping well most nights lately. But I need eat more I think. But I AM eating so thats good right? So I have 22 days SI free today. So I'm pretty happy about that. Oh and I also made a deal last night with Jrecov....a no drinking deal. He has not had a single drink since he stopped using. Alcohol is not his addiction but he knows that if he were to drink now, he'd get addicted. I've been feeling that way too lately. I don't usually drink but in the past couple weeks, I have had a couple random drinks just because I felt like it and wanted....I don't know what I wanted. Okay I admit it...I was hurting and I could not cut. But if I drink for that reason, it will quickly spiral out of control and become a major problem. It's not a problem at this point but I could see it becoming a problem in the future.....So for now, I'm not allowed to drink AT ALL. And then in a month, we will re-evaluate the situation.

Okay it's almost 2 am so I should go to sleep lol