Quiz thingy

Okay I totally stole this off Kayleigh's blog but it looked like fun so I wanted to try it.

YOUR BOY SIDE
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats. (um....i love cats but possibly slightly allergic...i'm torn)
[] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] Shopping is torture (depends on the day or what i'm being)
[] Sad movies suck.
[] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[] You owned a video game console.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice. (GRRRRRR.....non applicable?)
[x] You own like a trillion baseball caps. (well okay...not THAT many lol)
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool/comfortable to wear
[x] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] Sports are fun
[] You talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once.

So According to this, i'm totally manly lol. Pretty accurate so far.


YOUR GIRL SIDE
[x] You love to shop. (Well yes, if i'm buying bike parts or tools)
[x] You have worn eyeliner
[] You wear the color pink.
[] You go to your mom to talk.
[x] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like going to the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] You cried watching The Notebook.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[x]You are/were in gymnastics
[] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, etc
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on others.
[] You like being the star of everything.
[] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Ummmm....wow....according to this i'm not really a girl. Lol.

• Appearance •
[ ] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I’ve had braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry. [x] I’ve snorted while laughing. (Come on who hasnt? lol)
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x ] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •
[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[] Broken a bone.
[] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
x]I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •
[x] I’ve driven / ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
[] I’ve been to Cuba.
[x] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[x] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[x] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.
[] I’ve been to Florida.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[] I've been to Africa

• Experiences •
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] I’ve been to a casino.
[] I’ve been skydiving.
[] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[x] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding

• Relationships •
[x] I’m single.
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I'm not sure what it is.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I miss someone right now.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

• Honesty / Crime •
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[] I’ve been arrested.
WHO HASN'T done most of those though lol?

• Death and Suicide •
[] I’m afraid of dying.
[x]I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[x] Ive planned my own suicide before.
[] I’ve written a eulogy for myself. (not really sure how to write one lol)

• Materialism •
[] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[] I have an obsession with anime / manga.
[] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece. (Hell no)
[] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x]I own something I got on E-Bay.
[] I own something from Abercrombie

• Random •
[] I can sing well.
[] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily
[] I watch the news.
[x]I don’t kill bugs
[x]I sing in the shower. (who in their right mind doesnt lol?)
[] I am a morning person. (Hell no....i am a GOING TO BED in the early morning person)
[x]I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl/play with my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[] I love spam.
[] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x]I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x]I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[] I’m good at remembering faces.
[] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

I AM NOT OK

I am not okay. A part of me still feels shame in admitting that. Back when I lived with my mom, If I, say, did poorly on a test, I'd get yelled at and told I wasn't good enough or wasn't taking school seriously or was going to fail and not go to university. I would get yelled at all night and cry myself to sleep. As if I didnt feel bad enough about the test in the first place. And then if I got bad marks repeatedly, I'd get hauled off to a psychiatrist. It wasn't just school that I couldn't tell my mom about. It was everything. I hid a knee injury from her for a month for this very reason. It got to the point where I could hardly walk because it hurt so bad and was so swollen. But I still got in shit. And THAT is why I have had it drilled into my head that its not okay, to admit that I am not doing okay.

School isn't going well. I am sick of the bullshit going on at work. I want to cut myself.

Just a picture of me and Joann

This is a picture of Joann, who I have mentioned so much on here lol.

Lab rat

I am sick of being treated like a lab rat!!!!!

AGE SIX
I was diagnosed with ADHD, after being forced to go to a multitude of doctors and specialists. I was put on medication and taken to the psychiatrist EVERY WEEK.

BETWEEN AGE SIX AND TWELVE
My mom worked weekends for a few years back then. My dad would sometimes take me off my meds on the weekends. My mom would "notice" and get mad. My dad always said I'd probably eventually not need the medications anymore. He listened to me.

AGE TWELVE
I was 12 when my dad died. Thats when the fighting started. I remember one fight with my mom very distinctly. It was around May 9th. She was yelling at me about something or other. Something stupid. And I was so distraught. I locked myself in the bathroom so she couldn't hurt me. She kept screaming. I couldn't handle it anymore and I yelled back. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!?! JUST LISTEN?!?!?!" I punched the door. I'd done this before, but this time, to my shock, I'd broken TWO holes in the door. But she still wouldn't listen. And my grandma and mom were like, "wow girl, you got a problem." So guess who got sent to see the school counsellor that day? Well at least someone listened.

AGES TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN
She never did listen. All those years. The fighting continued. Sometimes just screaming, but sometimes physical. Sometimes during a fight, she'd yell at me "did you take your pill today?" That hurt A LOT. I had taken my meds. I always did. But she acted as though thats all I was worth....some damn pill. Or we'd be arguing and she'd storm into the kitchen, grab my medication and yell "here, it is time for you to take this." I never got a choice.

AGE SEVENTEEN
Grade 12. The year of the breakdown. I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. I couldn't focus because i was so anxious all the time, I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't sleep hardly at all. And when I did, it was a restless sleep. I was so depressed but I didnt usually let it show. But at that moment, I could not hold it inside me anymore. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I burst into tears and let it all (well some of it) out. I told him I was having anxiety problems. My grades in school had dropped quite a bit. When my mother found out, I was sent to a shrink to increase my meds. I told her I was feeling anxious all the time. My mom blamed it on me. I couldn't tell the doctor everything because my mom was sitting right next to me. The doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety. My mom wouldn't even LISTEN to what she had to say. I got yelled at all the way back to school. That night when I tried to talk to her about it again and I got screamed at and screamed at and screamed at "YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MORE DRUGS. AND ATTENTION. YOU JUST WANT DRUGS AND ATTENTION." She slammed her door and I heard her screaming to herself.

NOW
I am sick of this. I don't want to take these drugs any more. I don't know what I want really. I just....UGH. I'm more than just some ADD kid you know? And those medications DO have side effects. She never bothered to care how they made me feel as long as they worked. Sometimes I just don't take them. I just want the hurt to stop.