After all is said and done

Even though everything has already been said, I feel like there is more to say. I guess I haven't written in a long time. I'm talking about the breakup. I still feel so much anger inside. Every night is hard for me. Looking back, I guess there are some things in our relationship that I was and still am bitter about. Like, does he even understand how bad he hurt me? I get so angry sometimes I want to beat him up. But then I see him and I just melt. How could I be angry at him? There's so much to say but he's just such a nice guy I don't want to hurt his feelings and I feel like I can't even write it here because Jay will be reading this. I don't know why I keep going over this, it's been too damn months. But then again we were fucking for 2 weeks of that and having sleepovers for another week or 2. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've gone over it and over it so many times but I still feel the need to talk about what happened. There's so much I want to say but even writing this is making me angry as fuck so that's enough for tonight.

10 months

I have 10 months SI free now. Will be 10 months on the 15th. Yeah yeah that's great and shit but my so-called sponsor won't even talk to me anymore. It's been over a month now. Story of my life. I know she's prob busy and shit but it's not just that. She told me last time we talked that sometimes she just doesn't answer the phone because she doesn't know what to say to me. I'm not really doing the steps any more. I don't want to feel like if I do, she'll talk to me. I just want to be friends with her again. But then, what is a person who is only a friend when it is convenient for them? Is that a friend? She's pretty much just supported my theory that everyone is like that.

Thoughts

Okay so I haven't written here in far too long. My mind is just so full right now. It's like if I have one more thought, my head will explode. So this blog post is not gonna make sense but I'm just going to write every thought I have as it comes through my mind. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this.

I really just want to cuddle with someone right now. I need to be held. I just want to hold on to Jay, or Mercy, or Joann....and just be held and not let go for a long time.

Why hasn't she talked to me in so long? I mean, I get that she's busy but couldn't she maybe call me back once in awhile or answer my calls or something?

I can't believe it came to this point. I hate you and hope you burn in hell. You can stop faking. Stop pretending you care what I'm doing with my life. Because you are a bitch. Why am I having such a problem being a bitch back to you? I have no reason to be nice to you. YOU are the reason I quit my job...the reason I lost the chance at having a career there. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You humiliated me. You killed my reputation, and none of the stuff you told people about me is true. But you know what??? It doesn't fucking matter. Because you know how many people believe you and not me? Because of you and your bullshit lies everyone thinks I'm a bad employee.

Also because of you, and because of my mom and everyone else in the past, people can tell I've been picked on. I always think I'm in trouble. It's fucked up.

And yeah, I guess I'm blaming people for my problems here, but I really just need to rant.

Joann might have to move away....and I understand why. But AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH she's my only good friend here. The one I can trust and can tell anything.

My body is disgusting. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the fastest way to lose 10lbs?????? You don't understand. Nobody understands. I need to lose it NOW.

Why can't I just be me around you? And WHAT THE FUCK is your problem??????

I want to get high so I can forget about all this....and for just a few hours I can just be. Just float through life without knowing what I'm doing.

You said that if you'd known CPR, it wouldn't have even helped. But you know what? You are so full of shit. You could have taken him to the hospital. COMMON FUCKING SENSE. And dad, what were you thinking?!?!?!?! Don't deny a heart attack. That's just stupid. Okay yeah you were probably scared. But fuck. Now you are dead. The suck it up and be a man thing doesn't really apply when you are having a heart attack.

It's okay you're not actually dead, you are just....on a long business trip in somewhere where they have no phones....or something like that. I get so convinced sometimes dad, that you are not ACTUALLY dead. I have dreams that you died. And then I wake up and I'm so scared that it's true. And then this voice in my head says "no he's not dead," because it's easier that way. But you are, I know it.

Mom's never gonna change. Those ashes are staying in the closet until she dies. And then you know what????We'll have to bury you both at the same time and I'll have to go through this all AGAIN. It's so fucked up.

I need you. Please hold me forever and don't ever leave me. I'm scared. Please come home and never leave again. One day when you leave it could be the last time and I will never see you again. Just come home and hold me and don't let anything bad happen. I don't know why I am scared but I am.

Forget

We were close until you suddenly stopped talking to me. That was a year ago. After I visited you and we had a lot of fun and you said you'd come visit me. You never did. I never saw you again. In the fall when I texted you, you asked if I was Kyle. So I know you deleted me from your phone. When I replied I am Karin, you did not respond. I know it's been a year. You have probably forgotten about me. But I still think of you once in awhile. You were in my dream last night, which made me miss you even more. We used to have so much fun together. And that is what I miss. There is nobody else in this world like you. I don't have anyone in my life even remotely like you. And FUCK, how could you just drop out of my life like that? You still talk to Amanda. You never gave me an explanation. A part of me wants to give our friendship another chance. But a part of me feels like that is not a good idea because it know's I will get rejected. I've made it this long without you, I don't need you. I am "happy" without you in my life. I don't need you. Why can't I just forget about this all? Forget you ever existed. Forget everything. Now you're in my dreams. Why can't I just fucking forget?

STOP

JUST FUCKING STOP. Let me live my life and get the fuck out of it. Quit haunting my nightmares and my days. Just leave me alone. Fuck off. Let me go on living the life I am supposed to live and let me sleep.

Lots of news

OK so I have a lot of news.

I let Denise go the yesterday. I love her and she was a good sponsor, I guess I just needed a change. Sorry Denise. I hope that we can still be friends. Man I cried for an hour after I "fired" her. I mean, it was my decision, but it's still sad. It's like letting go, except that we are still friends.

BUT I got a new sponsor. Dawn. So that's exciting.

I went to a meeting today - NA. I was nervous. After the meeting, a lady named Ann introduced herself. She gave me a list of meetings in Edmonton, and said I am welcome to any of them. I said I didn't know, though, if I was. And she said OF COURSE YOU ARE, don't be silly. And I told her that I am a self injurer. She used to do that too. In fact there are apparently a lot of them who did. And I am welcome back. She gave me her number on the way home. I will be back :)

Rain

I just found THE most relaxing soothing song EVER. "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin. You wouldn't think a hardcore band like them would produce a chill song like this but they did. Wow.

ALONE

"I waited for you today, but you didn't show, no nooo noo. I needed you today. So where did you go."

Those lines of the song "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl describe just how I feel today, and a lot of the time. I'm like fucking screaming for help, but nobody is listening. And I'm all alone. It's like that most of the time. I feel forgotten, abandoned, and lost.

And it's not just like that with friends, it's like that with God, and with my dad. People are all like "You can still talk to your dad even though he's dead." I kind of don't know how I feel about that. I can talk to him. I get no response. I end up feeling worse. Same thing with God. Same thing with friends sometimes. It's all fucking one way. Ok don't get me wrong, I have a few that aren't like that. I am thankful to have Joann in my life for that :)

SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now

Battle in my head

I'm really lonely. People don't understand and I can't relate to them. I feel like I'm not accepted as I am. I feel really fucking ditched. I know people don't mean to make me feel that way, its just me. Corey is moving back to Ontario. Besides him, I have Joann and Matt here. I haven't hung out with Joann in a month. We were supposed to hang out a couple of times but it didn't work out. I gained a few pounds and I feel so fat, I look like a cow. Fuck. And my educational phys ed class is full of skinny bitches and they are so pretty. I just want to disappear. I feel so FAT. Anyone reading this blog will probably not understand and will think I am exaggerating. Does anyone understand? Fuck.

Lonely

I don't really have much to say. I'm just fucking lonely. FUCK

My Obsessions

MY OBSESSIONS

• My scars
• Weighing myself (yeah like 10 times a day)
• I never take the first item at the store, I always go for the one behind it.
• I never pee in the first bathroom stall.
• I refuse to eat anything that looks, smells, or tastes wierd. It freaks me out
• Okay clearly there are like a bazillion more.....I'll add to this list later....maybe.
• Saying goodbye. Okay....goodbyes suck but it's worse when you don't get to say goodbye and then you never see the person again. So yeah, I kinda freak out a bit if I don't get to say goodbye to someone.

Just a post

I'm sorry Kayleigh I broke my promise of writing every week.

I stopped my adhd meds almost 2 weeks ago now, and it's going great. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. Denise - I know I should see my doctor, but I don't want to. This is my choice. I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to see a doctor, I don't want to talk about it.

My eating, on the other hand, is...well...not right. I'm eating more than usual. I get extremely strong cravings for sweets like chocolate and candy. Which is normal for me. I eat it, but then feel really guilty about it. But instead of starving myself, I keep eating it. It tortures me. I am torturing myself. But if I don't eat, that's torturing myself too. I need some self control. But not too much. Ugh. Does this even make sense? Frick. Yes, I've gained some weight. I hate it hate it hate it. Only a few pounds but it makes a difference. I frickin look like about 2-3 months pregnant. But its the last week of classes. I have a couple big papers due in the next week. I don't have a whole lot of time to work out. But in a week, I have to work it off. I can't let myself gain anymore weight. I have eaten so much chocolate this past couple days that its gross. Frick! It is ridiculous and not healthy.

I'm also been having obsessions with my scars. I stare at them multiple times a day, I admire them. Man, I'm fucked up. I LIKE my scars, I don't want to get rid of them. But it's more than that. I'm OBSESSED with my scars.

Ok...thats enough for today.....

Quiz thingy

Okay I totally stole this off Kayleigh's blog but it looked like fun so I wanted to try it.

YOUR BOY SIDE
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats. (um....i love cats but possibly slightly allergic...i'm torn)
[] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] Shopping is torture (depends on the day or what i'm being)
[] Sad movies suck.
[] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[] You owned a video game console.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice. (GRRRRRR.....non applicable?)
[x] You own like a trillion baseball caps. (well okay...not THAT many lol)
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool/comfortable to wear
[x] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] Sports are fun
[] You talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once.

So According to this, i'm totally manly lol. Pretty accurate so far.


YOUR GIRL SIDE
[x] You love to shop. (Well yes, if i'm buying bike parts or tools)
[x] You have worn eyeliner
[] You wear the color pink.
[] You go to your mom to talk.
[x] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like going to the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] You cried watching The Notebook.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[x]You are/were in gymnastics
[] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, etc
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on others.
[] You like being the star of everything.
[] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Ummmm....wow....according to this i'm not really a girl. Lol.

• Appearance •
[ ] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I’ve had braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry. [x] I’ve snorted while laughing. (Come on who hasnt? lol)
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x ] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •
[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[] Broken a bone.
[] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
x]I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •
[x] I’ve driven / ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
[] I’ve been to Cuba.
[x] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[x] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[x] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.
[] I’ve been to Florida.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[] I've been to Africa

• Experiences •
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] I’ve been to a casino.
[] I’ve been skydiving.
[] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[x] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding

• Relationships •
[x] I’m single.
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I'm not sure what it is.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I miss someone right now.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

• Honesty / Crime •
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[] I’ve been arrested.
WHO HASN'T done most of those though lol?

• Death and Suicide •
[] I’m afraid of dying.
[x]I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[x] Ive planned my own suicide before.
[] I’ve written a eulogy for myself. (not really sure how to write one lol)

• Materialism •
[] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[] I have an obsession with anime / manga.
[] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece. (Hell no)
[] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x]I own something I got on E-Bay.
[] I own something from Abercrombie

• Random •
[] I can sing well.
[] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily
[] I watch the news.
[x]I don’t kill bugs
[x]I sing in the shower. (who in their right mind doesnt lol?)
[] I am a morning person. (Hell no....i am a GOING TO BED in the early morning person)
[x]I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl/play with my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[] I love spam.
[] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x]I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x]I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[] I’m good at remembering faces.
[] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

I AM NOT OK

I am not okay. A part of me still feels shame in admitting that. Back when I lived with my mom, If I, say, did poorly on a test, I'd get yelled at and told I wasn't good enough or wasn't taking school seriously or was going to fail and not go to university. I would get yelled at all night and cry myself to sleep. As if I didnt feel bad enough about the test in the first place. And then if I got bad marks repeatedly, I'd get hauled off to a psychiatrist. It wasn't just school that I couldn't tell my mom about. It was everything. I hid a knee injury from her for a month for this very reason. It got to the point where I could hardly walk because it hurt so bad and was so swollen. But I still got in shit. And THAT is why I have had it drilled into my head that its not okay, to admit that I am not doing okay.

School isn't going well. I am sick of the bullshit going on at work. I want to cut myself.

Just a picture of me and Joann

This is a picture of Joann, who I have mentioned so much on here lol.

Lab rat

I am sick of being treated like a lab rat!!!!!

AGE SIX
I was diagnosed with ADHD, after being forced to go to a multitude of doctors and specialists. I was put on medication and taken to the psychiatrist EVERY WEEK.

BETWEEN AGE SIX AND TWELVE
My mom worked weekends for a few years back then. My dad would sometimes take me off my meds on the weekends. My mom would "notice" and get mad. My dad always said I'd probably eventually not need the medications anymore. He listened to me.

AGE TWELVE
I was 12 when my dad died. Thats when the fighting started. I remember one fight with my mom very distinctly. It was around May 9th. She was yelling at me about something or other. Something stupid. And I was so distraught. I locked myself in the bathroom so she couldn't hurt me. She kept screaming. I couldn't handle it anymore and I yelled back. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!?! JUST LISTEN?!?!?!" I punched the door. I'd done this before, but this time, to my shock, I'd broken TWO holes in the door. But she still wouldn't listen. And my grandma and mom were like, "wow girl, you got a problem." So guess who got sent to see the school counsellor that day? Well at least someone listened.

AGES TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN
She never did listen. All those years. The fighting continued. Sometimes just screaming, but sometimes physical. Sometimes during a fight, she'd yell at me "did you take your pill today?" That hurt A LOT. I had taken my meds. I always did. But she acted as though thats all I was worth....some damn pill. Or we'd be arguing and she'd storm into the kitchen, grab my medication and yell "here, it is time for you to take this." I never got a choice.

AGE SEVENTEEN
Grade 12. The year of the breakdown. I couldn't hold in the pain anymore. I couldn't focus because i was so anxious all the time, I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't sleep hardly at all. And when I did, it was a restless sleep. I was so depressed but I didnt usually let it show. But at that moment, I could not hold it inside me anymore. My teacher asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I burst into tears and let it all (well some of it) out. I told him I was having anxiety problems. My grades in school had dropped quite a bit. When my mother found out, I was sent to a shrink to increase my meds. I told her I was feeling anxious all the time. My mom blamed it on me. I couldn't tell the doctor everything because my mom was sitting right next to me. The doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant for my anxiety. My mom wouldn't even LISTEN to what she had to say. I got yelled at all the way back to school. That night when I tried to talk to her about it again and I got screamed at and screamed at and screamed at "YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MORE DRUGS. AND ATTENTION. YOU JUST WANT DRUGS AND ATTENTION." She slammed her door and I heard her screaming to herself.

NOW
I am sick of this. I don't want to take these drugs any more. I don't know what I want really. I just....UGH. I'm more than just some ADD kid you know? And those medications DO have side effects. She never bothered to care how they made me feel as long as they worked. Sometimes I just don't take them. I just want the hurt to stop.

Dear Cameo

Cameo ~
I went to your funeral in December, and I saw the pictures, I saw the news. But somehow I still can't believe you are really dead. I mean....this kind of thing is just not supposed to happen. We weren't that close but we used to be. We went to school for 12 years together. At our 10 year reunion or whatever comes first, there will be one less frenchie.
Karin

"I'd come for you"

Last night was the best new years eve I've had in years. I made a new friend, I ended up getting a second job lol, and I hung out with my best friend. But I also disappointed my other best friend. I went for a drink with Joann and Jim, and then we smoked a couple joints. And then I slept over at Matt's house and hung out with him. Here's the thing....I don't regret smoking weed because it was a learning opportunity (some might say a mistake....but you cannot make a mistake that you don't learn from....well you can but then you just make the mistake until you learn.) Mercy sounded pretty disappointed when I told her because she cares about me. I texted Joann and told her "I appreciate you sharing your culture with me and I understand your reasons for doing that. But smoking weed just isn't really my thing. I hope you understand." She said something like this in response: "Of course my dear. But whatever you choose for you, I want you to know you are awesome." That does not mean I will never smoke weed again. But I realise that I don't need to do that to fit in, I don't need to do it to be myself, and I don't need to do it to stop cutting. And I love Joann to death, weed or no weed. And I love Mercy too. If she had said "cool keep smoking weed. I'm proud of you" - that kinda reaction....That's not a very good friend. She's looking out for me and I need that. I don't want to get to the point where my life revolves around weed.....or around anything for that matter. And Joann is very understanding and supportive of me. Wow 2 best friends. I feel so loved.

Then today, I got a text from Rachel, the lady I tutor. She's 24 by the way. She invited me over to her place for games night this evening. HOW SWEET!!!!!!! All of a sudden all these people want to hang out with me.

This song is just so amazing. "I'd come for you" by Nickelback. This video does not have sound so you have to listen to the song in the background at the same time as the video plays. It broke my heart when I saw at the end of the movie that it was the dad that "would do anything for his daughter." It reminded me of my dad. Anyways, the point is, I could not stop playing the song. It was just so touching. I never realised it, but I DO have amazing friends who would do anything for me....who would come for me even if I was in big trouble....and who would greet me with open arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZ_829lAdc&feature=related