Just an update

Ok so I've been slacking off lately on the blogging. Lots happened. Last week, I reached my breaking point with work, and had a massive fight with Joann which was really just a misunderstanding. It's all resolved now, and I'm transferring to a different store ASAP. I don't want to explain details. I've just had enough.

DEATH, ASHES, AND FUNERALS

So Wednesday was the day of the funeral. It was hard. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say. There were so many people they couldn't all fit in the room at the funeral home. So the rest of the people had to go in the reception hall, and LISTEN to the funeral on the speakers.

That night I straight out asked my mom what she'd done with my dad's ashes......in the closet, as I suspected. But WHY?!?!?!HOW!?!?! She said "it's just so horrible Karin." You know whats just as horrible if not more horrible than his death??? Its the fact that SHE just fucking shoved his ashes a closet for 7 and a half years!!!! Come on she had 2 funerals for him. Normally they are to commemorate the life of someone. But if she cared so much about him to have 2 funerals for him, how could she just shove his ashes in a closet for almost 8 years?!?!?!? I told her this. She laughed at me. He would not have wanted that. Every time we go to North Dakota, we visit Grandpa's grave, because we loved him. But what's left of my dad just gets shoved in a closet. What kind of respect is that? You never cared about how I felt about any of this mom. I love you but I HATE YOU FOR THIS.

Oh by the way, for those of you who actually CARE about my wishes, (aka NOT my mom), when I die I want to be buried NOT cremated. And I DON'T want to be buried in Edmonton. Because I was born here, and I definitely don't want to be buried here because I hate it here. When I told that to my mom she screamed at me and told me not to talk that way. And SHE is the one hiding her husband's ashes in the closet for years and not caring how her children feel about that. SELFISH BITCH!!!!!! I am sorry but I just need to let these emotions out.

"I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, WHY DO I LOVE YOU?!?!?!?!" - That one line from the song "I hate everything about you," by Three Days Grace, pretty much describes how I feel in regards to this situation with my mom. But only that line, not the rest of the song, since the song is about sex.

One more thing that I forgot to mention

"I'M BROKEN WHEN I'M LONESOME, AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE GONE AWAY."
- "Broken" ~ Seether and Amy Lee

You left and you took a part of my heart with you and I will NEVER EVER feel the same without that piece. People say to just suck it up. That only makes me feel more alone. Why do they minimize my pain? Will this hurting ever stop? Will it get better or will it always hurt this much? I want to move on. But I feel stuck. DAD I miss you.

"Broken" by Amy Lee and Seether
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxl6HGBbh1s&feature=related

DO I HAVE TO SCREAM FOR YOU TO HEAR ME? DO I HAVE TO BLEED FOR YOU TO SEE ME?

The title of this blog entry comes from the ZoeGirl song "Scream." The first half of the song entirely describes how I feel today. I cut myself several times today after more than 40 days SI free. I am hurting so much inside right now. What does it take for people to see that and to care? I should not have to scream. They should see it in my eyes. Do they have see the blood or the scars or the cuts just to know how much my heart is hurting? I don't cut to get attention. Its just my release. I want my dad. There is one thing I need right now more than anything. I just wish I had someone here to hold me. Not just a "See ya later bud" kind of hug....but something more than that.....An embrace that says what words cannot say....."I love you and I understand. I am here." There is just so much power in human touch. Something that you don't get from words. I feel so alone. I don't want to be selfish. I just want to be held. Well I guess I will go cuddle with my teddy bear. Okay I'm crying again. I'm sick of the lies and the impulses and everything. My roommate knocked on my door today when I was self injuring. I panicked a little bit and said "just a minute I'm putting on my pajamas." So I whipped on a hoodie so she wouldn't see what I'd done.
Oh my gosh what have I done. I didn't feel guilty all day until just this instant. When I have kids they are inevitably going to ask me why I have writing all over my arms. Not just cuts, there are words carved in there too. I hope that Mercy and Denise won't be mad. I hope they still talk to me and don't hate me. I am sorry.

Zoegirl "Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv_iLANNRFg&feature=related

TODAY

Ok I don't even know what to say here. My head is full of so much right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with this morning. So I got up at 6:30 to study after going to bed at 1:30 - was up late studying. Okay so I had to work this morning. So I was just working as usual. At one point, Ede (aka "Mom") had a question and I was headed upstairs to find the answer to her question. But I got sidetracked by a page for me to call 205. But I asked Jag and Roland the answer to Mom's question on the way downstairs. Jag and Roland were BOTH in the warehouse and gave me the same answer. I got distracted by about 5 different customer questions on my way to the bakery. So by the time I got back there it was about half an hour later. I went to answer mom's question. And Jag was there. I told mom the answer and she said "NO THATS WRONG. " I replied that that is what Jag had told me. And Jag totally freaked out at me. "GET BACK TO WORK KARIN AND STOP WASTING TIME. STOP ASKING SO MANY MANAGERS THE SAME QUESTION. JUST STOP WASTING TIME." I was ANSWERING a question not ASKING it. Then I got in trouble with Mike later because I was doing something inefficiently. At one point I realised I had no clue where the rest of the team members from my department were missing. They had gone for break without inviting me. Later when I mentioned it to them, they all laughed at me. But I was hurt, and it didn't seem funny to me at all. Besides that Tekala was being a really bitch to me today. All the while, my urges to cut were getting worse. I kept distracting myself. I told myself that maybe the Christmas party would cheer me up a bit. But no not really. Just put on my smile as usual and pretended to be as happy as I acted. I am really hurting and I feel like nobody really understands. And Cameo's death is bringing back some strong memories from my Dad's death. At one point during the party, the urges to cut got really bad. I was desperate, and I couldn't really just go ahead and cut because everyone was around and they would notice. I begged and begged John for a cigarette and I knew Joann wouldn't let me have one. He finally caved and let me have the half smoke left in his pocket. Or I took it out of his hand. I think Joann was pretty disappointed. She doesn't want me to get into smoking because she is addicted.

Oh by the way I hate my body. I realised my blouse that I wore tonight makes me look chubby. GROSS! I need to lose a few pounds.

I didn't think that she was actually mad at me until I got home. Joann had promised me a ride. She left as soon as the party was over. And didn't even say bye. I got a ride with Roland's fiance. I texted Joann when I got home but no response. I don't know what's going on.

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!

How could this happen?!?!?!?!?!

Things like this are just not supposed to happen. I saw her every day in elementary school, junior high and high school. Then we graduate and go our separate ways. And she DIES?!?!?! WHY!?!?!?! 19 years old....Fucking icy roads....Fucking weather... There was no alcohol involved and speed was not a factor. I just don't get it. I read things like this in the paper all the time. But I never think it will be someone I know. This time it was. Holy shit I still just can't even believe this is true. Still trying to process this. Cameo is dead. Cameo is dead. FUCK. I just don't even know what to say right now. I'm in shock. I don't want this to be true. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/alberta/2009/12/11/12129156.html
http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/edmonton/2009/12/11/12117771-sun.html
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/life/Edmonton+crash+victim+friendly+full+faith/2331846/story.html
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/Woman+dies+Yellowhead+crash/2326011/story.html

Little girl

Little girl,
So pretty,
So serene.

Your face,
Flawless like porcelain.
Your lips,
Smooth to the touch.

You are beautiful,
So pure and innocent,
A little angel.

You lie there,
So still and calm,
Like a doll.

BUT WAIT

Something is just not right.
What is that glimmer of sadness
In the corner of your eye?

You are a child
Why are you not playful and free?
You lie there alone,
Your body stiff as stone.

What is this fear
That you are hiding inside?
Because it is clear
That you are terrified.

Who has done this
To the little girl?
A part of her has died.

Little girl,
I wish you could tell me
Who has taken your right to choice.
But you can't
Because he has taken away your voice.