WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Its 2:30 in the morning and I have school in 8 and a half hours yet sleep is so far from my mind right now. Seriously wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupid cravings!!!!!! In the past few hours i've eaten a ridiculous amount of really random food. UGH too much carbs and sugars in too little time. I'm starting to feel a bit sick. But really thats not what I'm craving. I feel like a frickin' vampire sometimes. What is it about blood that is so appealing to me? Just to see it spread in a straight line across my arm is comforting. CONTROL. I feel so fat right now but I haven't gained weight. My roommates think I am crazy, but I honestly feel like I look fatter. I need to go work out but I am worried about how that will turn out. Compulsive Overexercise is like secondary self harm. In this frame of mind, not having SId in 2 weeks, i go overboard with everything else I do. I don't want to get to where I used to be.....exercising til I nearly passed out and could not get up. Everything in moderation.....but why is that not working for me right now. I guess my mind knows I've stopped SI and is overcompensating in another area. Because I know that if I go and work out now, it will be for all the wrong reasons.....

I am really hating my body right now. And I don't get where all of this is coming from. I had a great day. I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling all of this. kay now I'm tired. And its almost 3 am.

The song of the day is "Ugly Side" by Blue October.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjSJ26OGZ30

Awesome day

I had a great day. As usual, the day started with talking to Mercy. I love that girl so much. But I wish she was not so far away. BUT one day I will meet her in real life. Actually I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else in the world. It seems like lately i've been talking to her almost all day every day. I hope she's not getting sick of me. And then after class I went to the counselling office and switched to a new counsellor. I got an appointment booked for next week. I am still waiting to hear back from the recovery groups though. I really need to do this. I need to get more help. Last year I was a stubborn bitch and insisted I could do it all on my own. I made it up to 85 days without SI but have been relapsing since. Just goes to show that I do need help. I can't do it on my own. Mercy has helped me a lot since I joined the realm. And I feel like I can share anything with her and she won't ditch like everyone else has. And I have been attending online SMA meetings 1 - 3 times a week as well as the occasional speaker meeting or womens meeting, or any meeting really lol. I am getting less shy every time. I even found a sponsor today. Her name is Denise (Angie) and I met her on the realm. I am sad though because I was working on something I was gonna send to Mercy but I lost it. But its not like I'm gonna beat myself up over it. I just realised that I've been spending so much time on the computer...on the realm etc that I've been isolating myself even more from the "real world." Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

Overall the day was pretty good. I am so thankful for having people like Mercy and now Denise (Angie) in my life. Oh and there are so many more.....Hope, Dan, JRecov, Bob, Ross.

15 days SI free....still. For crying out loud, is it normal to count this like 20 times a day?!?!?!?! I mean I know I havent relapsed today so I know it hasn't changed. But it's like this compulsion of having to count it over and over again lol. I dunno I'm wierd like that I guess.

My first entry

This is my first entry in my blog. My first entry in ANY blog EVER. I'm trying to figure this thing out. I was pretty hesitant on starting this, but Mercy has one and its pretty cool. I thought I'd give it a try. I don't want the whole world to see this though. Just a few selected people. And you guys can comment if you want. I see that Mercy is my first follower. Which is pretty sweet.

I don't really know what to say. The next post will be more interesting. I promise.