Thoughts

Okay so I haven't written here in far too long. My mind is just so full right now. It's like if I have one more thought, my head will explode. So this blog post is not gonna make sense but I'm just going to write every thought I have as it comes through my mind. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this.

I really just want to cuddle with someone right now. I need to be held. I just want to hold on to Jay, or Mercy, or Joann....and just be held and not let go for a long time.

Why hasn't she talked to me in so long? I mean, I get that she's busy but couldn't she maybe call me back once in awhile or answer my calls or something?

I can't believe it came to this point. I hate you and hope you burn in hell. You can stop faking. Stop pretending you care what I'm doing with my life. Because you are a bitch. Why am I having such a problem being a bitch back to you? I have no reason to be nice to you. YOU are the reason I quit my job...the reason I lost the chance at having a career there. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You humiliated me. You killed my reputation, and none of the stuff you told people about me is true. But you know what??? It doesn't fucking matter. Because you know how many people believe you and not me? Because of you and your bullshit lies everyone thinks I'm a bad employee.

Also because of you, and because of my mom and everyone else in the past, people can tell I've been picked on. I always think I'm in trouble. It's fucked up.

And yeah, I guess I'm blaming people for my problems here, but I really just need to rant.

Joann might have to move away....and I understand why. But AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH she's my only good friend here. The one I can trust and can tell anything.

My body is disgusting. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the fastest way to lose 10lbs?????? You don't understand. Nobody understands. I need to lose it NOW.

Why can't I just be me around you? And WHAT THE FUCK is your problem??????

I want to get high so I can forget about all this....and for just a few hours I can just be. Just float through life without knowing what I'm doing.

You said that if you'd known CPR, it wouldn't have even helped. But you know what? You are so full of shit. You could have taken him to the hospital. COMMON FUCKING SENSE. And dad, what were you thinking?!?!?!?! Don't deny a heart attack. That's just stupid. Okay yeah you were probably scared. But fuck. Now you are dead. The suck it up and be a man thing doesn't really apply when you are having a heart attack.

It's okay you're not actually dead, you are just....on a long business trip in somewhere where they have no phones....or something like that. I get so convinced sometimes dad, that you are not ACTUALLY dead. I have dreams that you died. And then I wake up and I'm so scared that it's true. And then this voice in my head says "no he's not dead," because it's easier that way. But you are, I know it.

Mom's never gonna change. Those ashes are staying in the closet until she dies. And then you know what????We'll have to bury you both at the same time and I'll have to go through this all AGAIN. It's so fucked up.

I need you. Please hold me forever and don't ever leave me. I'm scared. Please come home and never leave again. One day when you leave it could be the last time and I will never see you again. Just come home and hold me and don't let anything bad happen. I don't know why I am scared but I am.