Lots of news

OK so I have a lot of news.

I let Denise go the yesterday. I love her and she was a good sponsor, I guess I just needed a change. Sorry Denise. I hope that we can still be friends. Man I cried for an hour after I "fired" her. I mean, it was my decision, but it's still sad. It's like letting go, except that we are still friends.

BUT I got a new sponsor. Dawn. So that's exciting.

I went to a meeting today - NA. I was nervous. After the meeting, a lady named Ann introduced herself. She gave me a list of meetings in Edmonton, and said I am welcome to any of them. I said I didn't know, though, if I was. And she said OF COURSE YOU ARE, don't be silly. And I told her that I am a self injurer. She used to do that too. In fact there are apparently a lot of them who did. And I am welcome back. She gave me her number on the way home. I will be back :)

Rain

I just found THE most relaxing soothing song EVER. "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin. You wouldn't think a hardcore band like them would produce a chill song like this but they did. Wow.

ALONE

"I waited for you today, but you didn't show, no nooo noo. I needed you today. So where did you go."

Those lines of the song "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl describe just how I feel today, and a lot of the time. I'm like fucking screaming for help, but nobody is listening. And I'm all alone. It's like that most of the time. I feel forgotten, abandoned, and lost.

And it's not just like that with friends, it's like that with God, and with my dad. People are all like "You can still talk to your dad even though he's dead." I kind of don't know how I feel about that. I can talk to him. I get no response. I end up feeling worse. Same thing with God. Same thing with friends sometimes. It's all fucking one way. Ok don't get me wrong, I have a few that aren't like that. I am thankful to have Joann in my life for that :)

SCARS

TRIGGERING











Some of the scars on my right wrist.







The place on my right Arm where I carved DAD














One of the places in my left arm where I carved the number 23.

SCARS - Papa Roach

[INTRO CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channeled all your pain

and I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[ACTUAL CHORUS]

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you goin' down

But you never realized

That your drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

Chorus

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

and I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

and I tried to grab your hand

and I left my heart open

but you didn't understandbut you didn't understand

GO. FIX. YOURSELF.

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Chorus x2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw The music video - I encourage you all to watch it. It's about a guy who is trying to help his alcoholic girlfriend.

The bolded part is one of the reasons I feel I need to keep my scars.

FUCK

CAUTION TO SMA PEOPLE - THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

So there's this battle in my head going on.
"Don't eat, you're a fat bitch" Versus "Eat the chocolate fatty"
And if i go with one side, the other side makes me feel guilty. I'm trying to not get stuck in my head but it's hard. Fuck what's wrong with me?

Work is still hell. We had a plan, but it backfired and now Shelley has more control over me. It's now working completely against me so that I will get in trouble without even doing anything wrong. Just by doing what Shelley says because Mike is not there. Fuck. It's complicated.

I just want to disappear. I just feel so humiliated every time I show up at work. I feel so belittled....although I'm not even sure if that's the right word.

Today was my last day with the counsellor I was seeing. So yeah....i'm a little upset about that. Feeling maybe a little abandoned.

Ugh I feel like such a loser. I just a hug. I just want someone to hold me and make it all better. It's been awhile since I've gotten a real, sincere hug. The only times I've gotten to see Joann lately is at work, surrounded by all the people I hate. Everything is falling apart. I am losing grip.

Corey hardly talks to me anymore outside of work. He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore - he used to ask me several times a week. And he doesn't seem as interested in me anymore, which makes sense. I mean what's the point of pursuing anything now, seeing as how he's moving back to Ontario soon. I was just starting to get excited, having someone who was interested in me, and could become something more. I guess that's the way it goes. Just when you get close to someone, they walk away. That's the way it's always been for me, why should I expect it to be any different now?

A great song for today would be "Black Orchid" by Blue October because it pretty much describes how I feel right now. Really fucking lonely I just want to die. But obviously that won't help. Just like I want to cut but I'm not going to.

Cutting....that would be nice right about now, just to watch the blood draw itself across my arm and feel the pain ease itself out of my system. The more I cut, the less pain I'd feel. But too bad....I can't do that anymore. So I guess I better get used to it. Fuck. Struggling with the recovery just a little here. In fact, I don't just want to cut, I want to cut, burn, and carve FUCK MY LIFE into my arm really big - bigger than last time. Maybe then people will know what a failure in life I really am. Don't worry people....I'm not actually gonna do this....I'm just expressing my feelings because I need to get it out somehow.

16 weeks now

Battle in my head

I'm really lonely. People don't understand and I can't relate to them. I feel like I'm not accepted as I am. I feel really fucking ditched. I know people don't mean to make me feel that way, its just me. Corey is moving back to Ontario. Besides him, I have Joann and Matt here. I haven't hung out with Joann in a month. We were supposed to hang out a couple of times but it didn't work out. I gained a few pounds and I feel so fat, I look like a cow. Fuck. And my educational phys ed class is full of skinny bitches and they are so pretty. I just want to disappear. I feel so FAT. Anyone reading this blog will probably not understand and will think I am exaggerating. Does anyone understand? Fuck.

Lonely

I don't really have much to say. I'm just fucking lonely. FUCK

My Obsessions

MY OBSESSIONS

• My scars
• Weighing myself (yeah like 10 times a day)
• I never take the first item at the store, I always go for the one behind it.
• I never pee in the first bathroom stall.
• I refuse to eat anything that looks, smells, or tastes wierd. It freaks me out
• Okay clearly there are like a bazillion more.....I'll add to this list later....maybe.
• Saying goodbye. Okay....goodbyes suck but it's worse when you don't get to say goodbye and then you never see the person again. So yeah, I kinda freak out a bit if I don't get to say goodbye to someone.

Just a post

I'm sorry Kayleigh I broke my promise of writing every week.

I stopped my adhd meds almost 2 weeks ago now, and it's going great. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. Denise - I know I should see my doctor, but I don't want to. This is my choice. I don't want to take it anymore, I don't want to see a doctor, I don't want to talk about it.

My eating, on the other hand, is...well...not right. I'm eating more than usual. I get extremely strong cravings for sweets like chocolate and candy. Which is normal for me. I eat it, but then feel really guilty about it. But instead of starving myself, I keep eating it. It tortures me. I am torturing myself. But if I don't eat, that's torturing myself too. I need some self control. But not too much. Ugh. Does this even make sense? Frick. Yes, I've gained some weight. I hate it hate it hate it. Only a few pounds but it makes a difference. I frickin look like about 2-3 months pregnant. But its the last week of classes. I have a couple big papers due in the next week. I don't have a whole lot of time to work out. But in a week, I have to work it off. I can't let myself gain anymore weight. I have eaten so much chocolate this past couple days that its gross. Frick! It is ridiculous and not healthy.

I'm also been having obsessions with my scars. I stare at them multiple times a day, I admire them. Man, I'm fucked up. I LIKE my scars, I don't want to get rid of them. But it's more than that. I'm OBSESSED with my scars.

Ok...thats enough for today.....