New post - does anyone still read this?

Hello
So I figured after over a year I should post just for the hell of it. Whatever. Since this started out as my recovery blog, I guess I should update on that. I had a major relapse around September. Things got really bad (as they usually do). I was cutting until about February. I've burned and scratched myself a few times since then but no cutting. I guess that's an accomplishment. I have some crazy-ass scars on my right arm that are undeniably from SI. Other than that, I've moved out into my own place. NO ROOMMATES FINALLY!!!!! YAY :) I'm still struggling with the fact that Joann is gone and I haven't seen her in over a year. I miss her like crazy and even though she's still alive, I feel so alone. I hardly ever talk to her. On a more positive note, I'll be done school in December so that's exciting. On another note, I'm finally admitting to the world that yes, I am indeed bisexual! I've started dating women, have slept with two so far and it was great. I am looking forward to future opportunities. I have not, however, come out to my mom. Lol I'm sure that will not go over well.

An update on life

So in this post I'm pretty much gonna rant....well that's not much different than my other posts. Anyway, I quit my job today. I had what I thought was a long standing inside joke with one of the cashiers...apparently she didn't think it was a joke. And today I went up to her and put my arm on her shoulder and asked her how she was doing. Later she completely freaked out at me and told me that if I ever touched her again she was going to charge me with sexual assault. I was so embarrassed...I mean I thought we were friends and I was being friendly. They called that my first warning. Really? Well Jerrid you stupid fucker, if I complained about everything you said to me, you would be fired by now. I fucking hate you people. How dare you make fun of my belly and call me pregnant and say I'm ugly. It's not funny and it hurts my feelings. I can't believe they let people like you become supervisors. I'm really embarrassed and I know that the news of what happened between me and Sandy is going to spread all around the store before the end of tonight. Every time I make a mistake everyone in the store hears about it. Thanks a lot Jerrid.

Anyways whatever. They can all go fuck themselves. I called Save On tonight to talk to a manager about getting my job back. I'd be working in a different department though. I guess my chances are looking pretty good. I wouldn't even have to re-apply or interview. They would pretty much have to click a few buttons on the computer. Anyways, I'm supposed to call Roland tomorrow and ask him if he'll rehire me. So that's good I guess. I mean I haven't officially gotten the job yet but Roland liked me as an employee.

So if you are reading this you probably already know about Steve's cancer. So it turns out his 2 tumors are wrapped around a major artery so weren't able to remove them. I don't want to get into the details. I'm just really upset because I can't deal with losing my dad all over again...basically. But this world is full of broken promises.

In other news, Jay and I are back together. I'm always worried though. I constantly feel like if I screw up he is gonna leave me. I mean it happened once. But he says it's different this time. I guess I just need to see it to believe it. I love him so much and I don't want him to leave me. I want to do whatever I can to make it work. I don't know...is it like...if I send him one text too many that'll be my last straw? I like it when he tells me he loves me and when he is affectionate. It makes me feel like...well maybe he wants to stick around.

I've been thinking about cutting a lot lately. I feel like if I had that outlet again, things in my life wouldn't hurt as much. I don't know how else to deal with things. It's been over a year without cutting but I still have urges. I still feel like eventually I am going to go back to it. I don't know how to tell people this. And there's also so much more that's bothering me right now. I just don't know how to bring it up. Everybody just would get mad.

After all is said and done

Even though everything has already been said, I feel like there is more to say. I guess I haven't written in a long time. I'm talking about the breakup. I still feel so much anger inside. Every night is hard for me. Looking back, I guess there are some things in our relationship that I was and still am bitter about. Like, does he even understand how bad he hurt me? I get so angry sometimes I want to beat him up. But then I see him and I just melt. How could I be angry at him? There's so much to say but he's just such a nice guy I don't want to hurt his feelings and I feel like I can't even write it here because Jay will be reading this. I don't know why I keep going over this, it's been too damn months. But then again we were fucking for 2 weeks of that and having sleepovers for another week or 2. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've gone over it and over it so many times but I still feel the need to talk about what happened. There's so much I want to say but even writing this is making me angry as fuck so that's enough for tonight.

10 months

I have 10 months SI free now. Will be 10 months on the 15th. Yeah yeah that's great and shit but my so-called sponsor won't even talk to me anymore. It's been over a month now. Story of my life. I know she's prob busy and shit but it's not just that. She told me last time we talked that sometimes she just doesn't answer the phone because she doesn't know what to say to me. I'm not really doing the steps any more. I don't want to feel like if I do, she'll talk to me. I just want to be friends with her again. But then, what is a person who is only a friend when it is convenient for them? Is that a friend? She's pretty much just supported my theory that everyone is like that.

Thoughts

Okay so I haven't written here in far too long. My mind is just so full right now. It's like if I have one more thought, my head will explode. So this blog post is not gonna make sense but I'm just going to write every thought I have as it comes through my mind. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this.

I really just want to cuddle with someone right now. I need to be held. I just want to hold on to Jay, or Mercy, or Joann....and just be held and not let go for a long time.

Why hasn't she talked to me in so long? I mean, I get that she's busy but couldn't she maybe call me back once in awhile or answer my calls or something?

I can't believe it came to this point. I hate you and hope you burn in hell. You can stop faking. Stop pretending you care what I'm doing with my life. Because you are a bitch. Why am I having such a problem being a bitch back to you? I have no reason to be nice to you. YOU are the reason I quit my job...the reason I lost the chance at having a career there. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You humiliated me. You killed my reputation, and none of the stuff you told people about me is true. But you know what??? It doesn't fucking matter. Because you know how many people believe you and not me? Because of you and your bullshit lies everyone thinks I'm a bad employee.

Also because of you, and because of my mom and everyone else in the past, people can tell I've been picked on. I always think I'm in trouble. It's fucked up.

And yeah, I guess I'm blaming people for my problems here, but I really just need to rant.

Joann might have to move away....and I understand why. But AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH she's my only good friend here. The one I can trust and can tell anything.

My body is disgusting. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the fastest way to lose 10lbs?????? You don't understand. Nobody understands. I need to lose it NOW.

Why can't I just be me around you? And WHAT THE FUCK is your problem??????

I want to get high so I can forget about all this....and for just a few hours I can just be. Just float through life without knowing what I'm doing.

You said that if you'd known CPR, it wouldn't have even helped. But you know what? You are so full of shit. You could have taken him to the hospital. COMMON FUCKING SENSE. And dad, what were you thinking?!?!?!?! Don't deny a heart attack. That's just stupid. Okay yeah you were probably scared. But fuck. Now you are dead. The suck it up and be a man thing doesn't really apply when you are having a heart attack.

It's okay you're not actually dead, you are just....on a long business trip in somewhere where they have no phones....or something like that. I get so convinced sometimes dad, that you are not ACTUALLY dead. I have dreams that you died. And then I wake up and I'm so scared that it's true. And then this voice in my head says "no he's not dead," because it's easier that way. But you are, I know it.

Mom's never gonna change. Those ashes are staying in the closet until she dies. And then you know what????We'll have to bury you both at the same time and I'll have to go through this all AGAIN. It's so fucked up.

I need you. Please hold me forever and don't ever leave me. I'm scared. Please come home and never leave again. One day when you leave it could be the last time and I will never see you again. Just come home and hold me and don't let anything bad happen. I don't know why I am scared but I am.

Forget

We were close until you suddenly stopped talking to me. That was a year ago. After I visited you and we had a lot of fun and you said you'd come visit me. You never did. I never saw you again. In the fall when I texted you, you asked if I was Kyle. So I know you deleted me from your phone. When I replied I am Karin, you did not respond. I know it's been a year. You have probably forgotten about me. But I still think of you once in awhile. You were in my dream last night, which made me miss you even more. We used to have so much fun together. And that is what I miss. There is nobody else in this world like you. I don't have anyone in my life even remotely like you. And FUCK, how could you just drop out of my life like that? You still talk to Amanda. You never gave me an explanation. A part of me wants to give our friendship another chance. But a part of me feels like that is not a good idea because it know's I will get rejected. I've made it this long without you, I don't need you. I am "happy" without you in my life. I don't need you. Why can't I just forget about this all? Forget you ever existed. Forget everything. Now you're in my dreams. Why can't I just fucking forget?

STOP

JUST FUCKING STOP. Let me live my life and get the fuck out of it. Quit haunting my nightmares and my days. Just leave me alone. Fuck off. Let me go on living the life I am supposed to live and let me sleep.